On the Horizon.....

It seemed fitting to come and write something today....it's New Year's Eve Day, a momentous occasion in the world, the end of a decade, the experiences that become lasting memories in our minds and hearts, and the beginning of what we hope will be better times than the ones we are leaving behind.

I'm filled with mixed emotions as I prepare for this new year. I am starting a new job, diving deeper into my final year of a BA, and wondering, endlessly it seems at times, if I will ever find HIM, or if it will be me and the cats for the rest of my days. I love my cats and all, but I am sure hoping its not the latter!
I realized in a conversation with a friend today, that as we get older it's hilarious how our minds change about dating and futures with men.  We're no longer looking at what kind of car they drove up in, we're just happy they HAVE a car! Okay, okay, all jokes aside....(you know that made you laugh tho....)  The things that we long for are no longer buyable, we're less concerned with all the material stuff,and more interested in the quality of the man as we get older, because we have been through enough to recognize quality when we experience it, and we appreciate it as women of quality ourselves. They aren't easy to find though, those quality men, they're hidden by others who offer immediate gratification in one way or another, whether it be sexually or in some other way; and we want it NOW, so we reach out for the now answer. Well, while we're dancing some wildly emotional and off balance dance with that person, Quality is waiting quietly in the background, watching and wondering why we don't see him, right?  And why don't we see him? Do you ever ask yourself that? I mean, hell of course you do! Any woman that has ever prayed for a "good man" asks herself that EVERY SINGLE TIME, Mr Now comes into our lives and hurts us, don't we?  Be really honest with yourself now...

We live in a world of Now! Fast! Quick!  So why would we treat our relationships any differently? We are human, we have desires, we have emotions and sometimes we just want them fed, even if that means picking the wrong person for a temporary fix.  But, as we get older, we hopefully, (although definitely not true for everyone) come to realize how empty all of that is, and how it doesn't fill any voids or make us feel better about anything. We learn to pass up the Mr Now's, and we quietly wait for Quality to come along. We learn discernment; and I have figured out along the way that it has a lot to do with where we are within ourselves, because as we appreciate, love and respect ourselves more, we don't settle for others giving us anything less in return.

The most important things in relationships can't be bought, they have to be given from the heart. Truth, loyalty, devotion, commitment; those are all elements that need to be "felt", not just spoken, and people are afraid to expose themselves to each other, afraid to really "go all in" because it's been dark and scary in the past when they do that. So what does that leave us then? A lonely present, and a lonely future, because life IS scary! Love is scary! Even the love between parent and child, or best friends, is scary sometimes! But if we're never willing to just go all in for love again, we'll either be alone, or we'll keep distance between us and them so that we only ever have to give "so much", and that just seems like it would be lonely too, doesn't it?
If we spent even half the time loving and being happy as we do with worrying about getting hurt, the world would be a very different place, dont'cha think?
That's what really changes the game up as we get older; we're both carrying baggage now, we've both been through what can feel like lifetimes of bullshit, and neither of us has the energy for the game playing silliness that goes on, so we weed out the Now's while we smile and feel flattered they noticed us, and we stay rooted in place waiting for Quality, because we just know that he is out there....somewhere...we're pretty sure of it, right?

On the horizon for myself in 2011 is, to be less afraid and more brave; less stumbling and more slow and steady; less crying and a lot more laughing; less impatience and more Faith....
Hell, I wish it for all of us! Be Braver, Be more steady on your own two feet, in all the ways that are important in your life, and for goodness sake, LAUGH MORE! AND KEEP THE FAITH!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

FAITH

There has been alot of questioning lately; not only around me, but within me, about what FAITH is, and how is it that people can have FAITH in times like these when the world feels like a rotting ball of .........well, of whatever you wanna call it.
I turned on my TV this morning to watch the Pastor from the church I attend, because good ole' Wisconsin weather has made it so that I cannot leave the house just yet. How ironic that I turn it on and find Pastor Gungor talking about FAITH. Here is where I suppose my own truth needs to be shared; I haven't been feeling very Faithful lately, I've dwelled more in doubt and uncertainty than I have in Faith. It hit me last night as I was telling a friend that I feel "breakable" that I have slipped into a very dark place in my own life, in my own heart, and then I listened to my own words and thoughts, the things I was sharing and felt shame because I have become something, someone, that I don't even want to know right now. People keep coming to me, friends looking for support, family just wanting to reach out and all I can think about is how quickly I can get beyond that moment, so that I can go back into my corner and sit alone and still; silently, with nothing more than just my own tears and hurt and doubt. I find myself lacking the desire to have a good conversation, but instead have resorted to smart ass jokes and meaningless chatter just to avoid discussing anything that might make me FEEL something inside, because feeling anything is the last thing I want to do right now!
TODAY IS A NEW DAY.

Pastor talked about Faith being a place in between doubt and certainty, a place where sometimes as human beings we waver because we want to believe, but we aren't sure. We can't SEE it, but we still FEEL like it's there. He talked about Jesus Christ saying to his people that they should eat from his flesh and drink from his blood, and people were confused because they didn't understand what he was talking about, and instead just heard the words and thought him strange for saying such things and they walked away leaving only the disciples standing there. Jesus asked them, "Why did you stay?"  to which they replied, "Where are we going to go? We don't understand you or what you're doing right now, but....WE TRUST YOU." They had FAITH.  As I listened to the message today, I understood that it's okay to waver now and then, it's okay to question this unseen power in my life, the important thing is whether or not I get back over to the side of certainty and regain my footing.  And as I always have, I will; it might not be as fast as I want to, but I will get there.

I've begun to feel as though the idea of a solid, loving relationship with a man is not in my life's blueprint, because it sure isn't happening!  I have tried, I know that I have put my heart out and I have given my love to people along the way, honestly believing they were just as committed to it as I was, truly feeling that they looked at me and felt all the same devotion and adoration that I did for them, and even so, I am sitting here alone. Don't get me wrong, I am not alone in the sense of being without love and kindness in my life, I have people who love me, care for me and about me, but I don't have that one special mate, my friend and companion to share life's journey with, and off and on, I feel like that empty place in my heart consumes me. We were not built to be alone, if that were the case, God would have only created Adam or Eve, not Adam AND Eve, right? Eve the animals went to the ark in pairs! We were created to love and be loved; and there is a yearning for that within us, some of us are just more intensely aware of it, some are afraid of it and so they cower in their own lives not wanting to give it, but so willing to take it; that can only last so long too. You cannot feed off of another's soul without giving nourishment back and expect that eventually the reservoir won't dry up on you. I am finding more and more people out there in the world who are so ready to fill their tank so to speak, so ready to be all about what THEY need, that they don't consider how any of it is or will, affect anyone else along the way. And more with each passing day, I find myself withdrawing from it all, sinking away from the idea of love and at times bordering on ill choices just to seek out the companionship that I so deeply crave in my life; thankfully,  I have learned to love and respect myself enough that I don't have to make those choices in a moment of feeling lost, I instead, reach inside and grab onto that unseen, unheard "thing" that I call my FAITH, and I remind myself that maybe just because "I" think I am ready for it all to come into my life, I perhaps don't have the correct answer right now, and that I am instead on a journey that is leading me somewhere I need to be....maybe I am not ready for that man to come yet, maybe God feels like I have work to do in order to be open and accepting of a good man when he approaches me, because just maybe if he has or did come to me right now, my mind and heart are to laden with crap to be able to see him and be open to what he is offering me.

Back to FAITH.  I don't understand where I am right now, I don't understand why, or what, or who; but what I do know beyond the shadow of a doubt is that when it feels like there is nothing left, no one left, I find HIM, and I feel my FAITH.  Looking back in my life, I can recall life altering moments when I felt like I was standing on the edge of a cliff, teetering, unsure, scared, excited, not knowing whether to jump or stay, feeling like my feet were glued to the place I was standing, yet the wind was blowing so hard around me that it was causing me to bend and sway in it, making me realize that the glue under my feet didn't have to be stronger than the wind that was trying to blow me over the edge.....and in those moments that I jumped and let the wind carry me off the edge, LIFE HAPPENED, and rays of positive light and love exploded in and around me.  I'm standing there right now....today I woke up and crawled out of the dark corner I was hiding in, because I realize that there is nothing there I haven't seen a million times and I am tired of the same scenery, I'm ready and hungry for change in my life, I am so ready and willing to step into the light and be the woman that I was created to be.

The hazard of change is that sometimes we have to take a good hard look at our environment, and just like an addict, we have to let go, move away from, remove ourselves from, people and places that don't contribute to our well being but instead keep us feening and lost. I have felt like a fish out of water too much lately, and it's time to step firmly back into my skin and take the hand of FAITH and keep moving forward, I've been here long enough. My beautiful Taurus baby said to me recently, "your not yourself anymore, you're just not happy like you usually are."  That stung, but it was the reality of who I have allowed myself to become because I lost sight of my own soul, I lost my firm grip on FAITH'S hand...
TODAY IS A NEW DAY. I am thankful, and I am Blessed, and I am back on my feet.

**this is dedicated to all of us who question, to all of us wandering around feeling unsure right now...and most of all, it's dedicated to those very special few in my life who listen as I cry, those who absorb the darkness and shine light for me when I am not strong enough to do it myself; for that very sacred circle of love I have surrounded myself with. I know that all of you are going through your own trials, yet you never turn me away when I come to you broken and bleeding. Thank you for the love and healing that you give me just by being you and being in my life.**

Lost and Found

"Depression is a state of massive deception, distorting everything that is true about life and the world around you. Those of us who have had to face this demon have tried all we know how to break free. To rid ourselves of this dreadful disease, we try to smoke it out, sex it out, educate it out, counsel it out, medicate it out, shop it out, snort it out, shit it out. In the end, we find that no matter how much we do,or who we do it with, no external effort alone conquers depression. " (I Cant live like this Anymore!; Lilada Gee)

I came across this today as I was reading her book about surviving sexual abuse. She has the link to this blog, I'm hoping that she will read this and know that her words, her suffering, and her healing have touched someone else, and healed something in me as well.

When I started writing this today, my eyes were filled with tears, my loyal friends, Fear and Distrust, were sitting close by, and then suddenly my phone rang and it was a friend that I have met through some of the same work that I do with the sexual assault center. He called to tell me about his latest case, a family with three children, all of them walking home from an after-school program and were hit by a city bus, one of them dead. The words hit me like I was standing in front of that bus, the impact those images had on my mind was overwhelming, and all I could do was surrender to the tears that now fell like a steady rain down my face. Somewhere a mother was mourning the loss of her child; a child that would never return home, a child that she had to say goodbye to.  Then the realization hit me about the tears that were streaming down my face; I felt her pain in all the ways that I could, with not knowing her experience, but even more than that, I felt my own pain inside for moments before feeling sorry for myself, and being dominated by fear; when the reality is and was, that my life is peaceful, and that my children are safe and sound, and that even though in this moment it feels like things are out of place and unsecured in my life, I have to know and believe that GOD is working right now. He worked when that phone rang and made me realize the gratitude I felt, the blessings I have, and the love that fills my life. I don't have money the way I want it, and I won't be out filling shopping carts for Christmas, but at the end of the day, I have all of the important things in life, the things that really truly matter, and the rest can be achieved with a little more Faith and Perseverance. I know I'm on the road that He has been guiding me to; sometimes I just get tripped up on my own feet and I stumble.

As each new breath fills my lungs, I am gifted with another chance to do the work in my life; I pray I don't waste anymore time on self pity and loathing; but instead rise to the challenges before me and work to create the life that HE and I both know I am capable of with focus.
I pray for myself and for everyone today to be granted the strength to keep going when falling on our knee's seems so much easier...go ahead and drop down for a moment if you need to, then reach up and put it all in His hands, knowing and trusting that HE HAS GOT YOUR BACK.  Stop for a moment and find at least one thing you can be grateful for today, right now. Embrace it- then get up and keep stepping forward into life, your life.
Amen.

You

I remember lazy Sundays in bed,
football and movies
sex and naps.
There has never been another you.

I remember electric stares,
white hot lust abound
you and me.
There has never been another you.

I tried to find you,
to recreate the "us
that I so deeply miss.
But there is no other you.


You loved me completely
baggy sweats and pontytails
and adored me unconditionally.
There is not another you.


I remember how you felt,
and the taste of your kiss
the touch of your hand.
But I don't have you.

No one has looked at me like you did,
no one has loved as deeply
or as completely...
There will never be another you.

Dedicated to a memory that will never die...thank you JD~

Crooked

I went to a second interview today at a place, and feel like I have a pretty good shot at the job. Not a job I really WANT, but a job nonetheless...I was told by both interviewers that they liked my personality, and used words like, "Engaging, energetic and sweet".....Engaging? I don't think I have ever been accused of that one before; Energetic? Ummm, yea, if they knew how I was feeling inside that would be the last word they would choose. I'm having a rough couple of weeks again, in and out of darkness in my mind, wondering about my direction, or moreso my lack of these days.

The funny thing is that I was walking around my house noticing how crooked some of the pictures on my walls are, and I had to laugh right out loud because I thought it highly ironic that those crooked pictures seemed to represent ME all of a sudden. I feel like I am off balance, dizzy...not literally, at least not all the time.  One minute you can be on top of the world, feeling like you have things mapped out and know what to do, where to go and how you're going to get there, then suddenly some person or thing happens and pulls the rug right out from underneath you. Bastards.
I'm mad lately, and I'm even mad about being mad!

I see and encounter people all around me that are so willing to toy with other people's emotions, so willing to take take take, while they hoard their own emotions or heart from those who they take so freely from.
I was always taught to treat others as I want to be treated, and I have done my best to do that....but I think I am changing it up for awhile and I am going to just treat people exactly how they treat me and see how it makes people feel. Maybe a wake up call for the world is in order. I'm sick of being nice, sick of being forgiving and sick of seeing the best in people. I'm just going to see the world for what it is....a steaming pile of manure!
Yea, today I'm angry and I just can't find the will to fight it right now, I'm going to just indulge it for a moment, this too shall pass.

I Hope.

A Mindful Moment

I woke up this morning to a message saying, "have a blessed day, i love you"...funny how something so simple can alter a moment, or an entire day even!  It inspired me to smile, it filled my heart with love, gratitude and simple joy this morning. Often times, I don't think we take enough time to just reach out. And it made me want to share that feeling with the special people in my life, so I paid it forward and in my own crazy, silly fashion, sent out messages to a select few in my life and shared the love. It's fantastic when you get responses back from people and you can actually FEEL that you made a difference in their morning. That was such a reward to my heart. So, thank you for the message, and for thinking me worthy of it and taking the time to do it.

I have a birthday coming up, my 40th....and I keep getting asked, "how are you handling the arrival of 40?"  I'm handling it just fine, as a matter of fact, I am actually pretty grateful. I mean, let's just be honest, there are people who don't make it to see 40 years of life, people who are alive, but aren't really living they are merely existing; I am going to be 40 years old, and have lived my life, am living my life! I enjoy each day, I live it like it is a gift, (even though sometimes I have to be reminded) I don't feel like I am 40 in the sense that I am old, but yes, I have lived and experienced 40 years of life for sure, and I am so thankful for it!

I am throwing a kick ass party this weekend, halloween costumes, my great friends and family, and even though for a moment I wallowed in self pity because ~boo hoo I have to plan my own party~ I soon realized that being able to plan my party and do it the way I want it, is a gift too :) And the truth is? I have always been the party planner, it's just something I'm good at, and something I truly enjoy doing for those in my life. So today, I have been pondering what I will give myself this year; a mani/pedi day? An outfit perhaps? Hmmmm....I don't know yet, but I know that I will enjoy whatever I decide!

The point of this "mindful moment" today is that I woke to this day feeling loved, blessed and cared for. I have some great people in my world, and even those who challenge me are cherished because they too offer me learning and growth opportunities. Something has changed in me again lately, my spirit feels so free, my heart so full of love, I feel like so much has just been lifted from my shoulders, like I have just let it all wash away and just know that whatever will be, is what's meant to be. I have been dancing again, literally!  Just good ole' living room, candle-light dancing to some of my favorite music, it just feels good to be in the drivers seat in my life, it feels good to be ME. I feel so much love and appreciation from my son lately, it seems that absence really does make the heart grow fonder (and I think he misses his mom).  I am so proud of him, so blessed by his presence in my life, and just so honored to be so loved and respected by him.  And let me not forget the amazing and beautiful Taurus in my life. My baby girl. I see her changing inside and out, growing, learning, stretching her wings, and she amazes me with her spirit and tenacity. And admittedly, sometimes she scares me too, because I see her dad and myself in her, in some of the ways I wish she wouldn't have picked up so well...Stubbornness can be a good thing though, at least that's what I will keep telling myself!

It's time to move on for the day; May we all be blessed, loved and Appreciated! God Bless!

~Peace

The "Good Stuff"

Kenny Chesney, the sexy little country singer, sings about the "good stuff"  and how it isn't the material stuff, the tangible things, but instead, it's the things in life that cannot be bought.
Over the past couple of years, I have learned about the "good stuff" more and more, and learned to appreciate it a little more than I used to. GOD has Blessed me with so many wonderful experiences, and so many amazing people along the way, but the most important gifts I have ever received are the two people I cherish more than life itself, my children.
Since the day they were born, they were first in my heart, deeply embedded in my soul from the moment I knew that they were depending upon the strength and well being of my body to nourish and nurture them, and when they came into this world and looked into my eyes for the first time, I knew then and there that I would never know love like that anywhere else in this world.

Those precious people are growing up, maturing, exploring new ventures in life, finding themselves and experiencing the ups and downs of being part of this journey called life, but always, somehow, they come back to me, even if just for a moment to let me know that no matter how far they go, they will never be ~too far~ to come back.  I have often felt like a mother bird, pushing her young out of the nest, because it's time for them to fly and learn on their own. and my worst fear was that I would push them out, and that they wouldn't remember the way home once they left the nest; that I would somehow become part of the background of their past, but that isn't so. I've learned that the foundation we created together with our tears, our laughter, our trust in one another and our undying love and devotion, is forever, it's the "good stuff".

A house is only a house, sometimes; it's just a shelter from the weather, and although I am thankful for the shelter, I miss the "home." Without the kids, even the cats feel the empty echoes as we just move through our routine day to day.  Tomorrow, this house is going to be full of laughter, and silly banter, noise and commotion; LIFE, and I can't wait. I get to meet my sons new girlfriend, one of his best friends for so long now, someone who has been spoken of with a huge smile on his face, and I hear his words to me, "you're going to love her, Mom", and I can't help but be excited about her because of the happiness I hear in my young mans voice when he talks about her. I am taking a trip with these kids and their friends to Six Flags this weekend, and I know that it is just the medicine I need to heal so much that's been raw and hurting inside of me lately.  I wonder if they know how their joy is my joy, how when they smile and laugh, I feel like all is right with the world. I don't think they will fully understand it until they are in my shoes, and that's okay, it's just the way it all works, the coming full circle cycle.
I look around me at the state of things with people sometimes and see the chaos and heartache between parents and children, and it hurts my heart, for the parents and for the kids. If I could give a gift to the world, it would be to know this love that Dustin and Danielle have graced my life with, in their own lives. Many times people  have questioned us, misunderstood us, and tried to redirect us into ways they thought were "better," but we stayed our course and weathered life together, intact and strong. When they come to me now and want my advice, or my opinion, or even my blessing, I can't help but feel so thankful because I know that they wouldn't do that if they didn't have Faith in me, and trust in the person that I am and have always been in their lives, and that in doing so, they are giving Me a gift.

I don't remember when I have looked so forward to a house full of people, to chatter, to clutter on the coffee table, and dishes in the sink; but I am so excited to share this time with these young men and women, and to laugh and have fun with them; and most of all, I am just so looking forward to having the main ingredients back that turn a simple house into a warm and loving home; my heart and my soul; my children.

Yea, that's the "Good Stuff.........."

Chesney Video

The Lost Art of Seduction

This is a topic that has swirled around in my brain for years, it ebbs and wanes, but never leaves; perhaps because it's something that we encounter far too little of when we are really honest with ourselves about it, and even sadder is that there will be some who will read this and realize that maybe they have never felt it; seduction and passion. I can't imagine, but I know very well that those people are out there, because some of them are in my life.

I personally, crave it, need it, and won't do without it, Period. Maybe it's the Scorpio in me that lives and dwells in intensity and high level emotion, or maybe it's the soft feminine part of me; I don't know, I only know that I can't live without it. I have walked away from well meaning men in my life because they didn't know how to seduce or evoke that passion in me, let alone in themselves. I used to feel bad about it; used to, as in I no longer do, and will not ever again, because there is nothing wrong with wanting a man "with a slow hand" as the Pointer Sisters so beautifully sang. Why? Because as humans we crave that contact with another, we have an animalistic desire to be ravished passionately, even though many of us aren't aware of that craving. Do you know how I know though? Soap operas, romance novels, love stories in Hollywood etc., that are making hoards of money because we can't get enough of it..we are a society that feeds off of other people's passion(s), and I think it's because we are either too ashamed/embarrassed to admit that the need lurks within us as well, or because we are just afraid of it. And then there are some of us, who watch romantic movies, absorbed in love scenes, because it's a place we have been and long to be again, so we fill a void through watching it on the big screen; but oftentimes, it's a stark reminder of the holes in our own lives, and that stings a bit, doesn't it? Bittersweet is what it is.
There is a difference between good sex and passionate seductive emotional sex; anyone who has experienced it knows what I'm saying here, right? What is "good sex"? Is it simply sex where the end result is an O or two? For me, that answer is Yes. But, GREAT, Passionate, Seductive Sex? Whew! That, my friends, is a damn Art-form, and one that is all too easily overlooked in this rushed world of ours. It isn't just men that are guilty of it, we are too; sometimes because I think we look at men as "un-errogenous", but men have more than just one spot on their bodies that gets them heated, trust that, it's just a matter of how much time you will take to find out. Along with the art of seduction is the art of communicating; " I hear you, I see you."
We have to stop being afraid of telling each other what we want, what we need and desire, and especially, what we fantasize about! We have to open up and express ourselves! We aren't living in the 1800's anymore, our sexuality is part of us, part of our lives, part of health regimen! (Or at least it SHOULD be!)
And just as important as "asking for it" is being able to hear it as well. Our ego's are sometimes fragile, and instead of hearing our lover ask for more of this or that, or a "hey can we try this," we hear that we aren't doing it right, or good enough, or long enough etc, and when we hear things in that manner, we shut down and become defensive, and then so does our partner.

I think it's important for me to point out here that I am not referring to a completely physical sense of seduction and passion; I am talking more about  mental, psychological seduction. And perhaps, it's fair to say that what might be mentally stimulating for me, won't work for the next person and vice versa. I think the people behind the Kama Sutra had something, because the Kama Sutra is all about mental stimulation, patience,  & learning to be still and quiet enough to hear your partner as well as yourself, without speaking. Below is a piece of writing I wrote quite some time ago, but when I looked at it today, it fit this blog, so I wanted to add it in....

MIND GAMES

"Tantra is not just about what happens after you strip off your drawstring pants:

It’s about yielding to a vulnerability that goes beyond that of physical nakedness, and admitting to a lack that many have but few fess up to. It’s about elevating sex to more than just bouncing on the bed springs."

Have you ever thought about that moment when your eyes meet his/hers across a room and you can feel electricity course through your body? It isn’t something that happens between all couples, I’ve learned that, it happens when there is a connection so deeply embedded in you that you just know the thoughts and desires of your partner by simply looking into their eyes. Maybe that’s about trust, maybe its real love, genuine friendship or a beautiful combination of all of that, but whatever it is, it’s something you never forget and something you long for everyday for the rest of your life if you are lucky enough to experience it, and then lose it.

It basically has nothing to do with the physical fulfillment of sex, it’s so much deeper than that, so much more meaningful than that, and I wonder how many of us really ever understand it?  Put in simple terms, it’s Mind Sex, and I think the Dead Prez said it all best. (if you don’t know what I’m talking about, I highly recommend you look them up and listen to MIND SEX)

 I imagine it’s the deepest level of intimacy in existence; an intercourse beyond anything the body alone can achieve; a mental orgasm that promises to make the physical one exceed all known limits and expectations.  Let’s face it, humans, esp. the males of our species (sorry guys) are not very patient when it comes to much of anything, let alone sex. We’re conditioned to be so consumed with the end result that we have no idea of the journey that’s possible before that point; but I want to learn it, I want to know what that is. I feel as though I NEED to know. The beauty of the Tantric is;  The raw realness, the trust, the connection, and the simple and basic need to be known so completely, to feel safe enough to be vulnerable without limits, and to know your partner just as equally?  Hmmmmm.

 Think about the seemingly simple act of kissing; or is it simple?  I dare say not. There is nothing simple about a kiss to me. In a moment, I’m giving you my breath, and I’m asking for yours, it’s an exchange, but more even than that, think about the way his or her lips feel against yours in that first moment when they touch, the softness, a bit of shyness maybe, and then an intimate exploration done mouth to mouth. I don’t want to be swallowed by a kiss, nor overpowered; I want to feel a sense of gentle surrender between him and me. I want to feel his love for me in that kiss, Love without urgency and orgasmic promise, just Love and passion; the answer to the question, if you will. Kisses like that are rare, and something to behold. There is so much I could say about kissing.

Seduction and Passion- connection, patience, ambiance. A lover that will light candles, run your bath, put on some mood music and then touch you from head to toe slowly as tho he (or she) is savoring every inch of you like a fine wine, wanting to memorize every curve of you. It's love and connection that you "feel" without words, his touch tells you about his love and adoration for you, his kiss strips away your fears and opens you up to him like a blossom under the springtime sun; THAT is seduction; slow burning, patient seduction; and then when you have surrendered to him (her), that is when the passion truly ignites.

What You Should Know

You know those coffee clutch conversations that you have with your girlfriends; the ones where male bashing is the predominant topic of chatter, followed by how unruly the kids are? Well, I have been part of, and been witness to, many of those over the 40 years of my life, and have suddenly realized how educating and enlightening they can be!
The conversations change with the ages of the participants, but some underlying things stay the same; male bashing and parenting woes. I can speak to both, have lived and learned, won and lost and have encountered some extraordinary people and stories along the way.

I'm going to touch on male bashing with this one because I don't think men are listening (still), and I know how important it is to feel not only heard, but "seen" with the men in our lives. I watched an episode of "Parenthood" last week, a show that depicts family life and struggle so eloquently, i love it, but i digress. The Parents of all these grown children, are going through some bumps in the road, and are now in marriage counseling; one of the things that gets repeated from him to her throughout when they begin to disagree and he isn't listening to her is, "I hear you, I see you." And in that moment the argument de-escalates. She knows he is aware of what's going on and she is satisfied because he actually DID SOMETHING about it and let her know that he respected her.

I hear men, including my father and brothers, talk about women "nagging"...Hell, I can remember that being one of my ex-husbands issues with me, "You nag me!" Yes, men, we tend to, and Im going to tell you why- dealing with a man sometimes is like dealing with a child, we can say something once and it falls on deaf ears, we say it twice and maybe get a glance in our direction so that we know you heard us, but still nothing gets done. Usually by the 3rd time we are frustrated and agitated and know that we really need to get your attention, keep your attention and stay diligent until said issue is completed. (Fixing that leaky faucet per-say) Women don't want to nag, we are forced into it because most men just don't respond to a simple, "Honey can you....." Unless of course they hear the mention of sex, well, then you can bet they will move on it fast! Ack.
And guys, do you know that when you give your lady a kiss,or a hug...that it does NOT necessarily mean that she is going to drop her pants and lay it on ya right then and there? It might just mean that she enjoys the affection with her man, PERIOD. That is something I have heard from more women then I can tell you. A women will begin to shy away from that affection with her man outside of the bedroom if she feels like that's where it has to lead every time! Sometimes, we just want to be held, touched, kissed or hugged without anything else being asked or expected! Imagine that, wow.
Want to damn near guarantee some fun between the sheets with your lady though? CLEAN the house, or take the kids for a day and let her have some time to herself; talk about an aphrodisiac!
I'm just beginning with this whole thing, there are so many things on my mind, life, love, relationships, family, just everything in general. SO, I'll be back, stay tuned :)

The Stories We Wear Part 2

After years of therapy, meetings for Adult Children of Alcoholics, and well meaning people who had come along and left an imprint in my world, I thought I was healed. I had faced my parents with all of the horrific details of my abuse along the way, forcing them to take the burden from my shoulders and carry it on their own. Yes, in my mind, I was already well and would never have to deal with any of those icky feelings again.
I was about to find out how un-healed I really was.

My mind is fuzzy now as I try to recall which came first, the "encounter" or the blood, and I suppose it really doesn't matter because the point remains the same regardless...I believe it was the blood though, so there is where I will paint the picture from.
I woke up one morning of my seemingly happy life to discover blood on my sheets, which sent me into a terrifying episode of crying and hysteria, which as you can imagine I had no explanation for(the blood I understood, mother nature had made herself known, it was the rest of it I couldn't explain away), for myself let alone my confused husband, and it led to frustrated anger on his part which was of no help to my already chaotic and scared heart and mind.  The blood took me back to being 14 years old, and being held down on my bedroom floor while a "friend" of the family raped me. My mind was flooded with the memory, swirling, sick, afraid, and the sight of the blood that he had caused to flow from my tender young vagina; it was all there in bold color and graphic detail and it was then that I knew something was still very wrong inside of me. My spirit was still very wounded, and the child in me who had long since found a corner to sit in, was screaming to be heard. My husband pretended to understand, but how could he? How can someone really understand what kind of deep seated despair that is, unless they have experienced it, unless they too have been robbed of their innocence and pure heart? They can't, and I will not believe anything different.  He proved to me later that night that he truly had no idea what I was dealing with when he annoyingly pressured me for sex, and then got angry when I had to stop in the middle of it to throw up. I was broken and wounded and not a very good wife...at least that's what the devil told me. My husband was angry and hurt and rejected, and there was nothing I could say to make him feel better because I didn't even know how to make myself feel better.
Some weeks later, as my luck would have it, the Good Lord decided to push me further because I still wasn't getting it, so as I sat in a small local cafe enjoying lunch with my husband and children, that very same monster came walking in to grab a bite, and sent me into a tailspin emotionally. I was forced to leave the table and retreat to the bathroom to vomit, and then made a swift exit from that place. I knew right then that I still had a very long way to go, and that I owed it to myself and my children and husband to get working on it.

I have been blessed enough to have been sent many angels in my life, but there are a few who will always stand out above any others, and one of them was a therapist named Bonnie. For the first time in my life, someone saw through the laughter that I used to mask my pain. For the first time in my life, I really felt like she got it, and that she could honestly help me...I just don't think I realized how much she would help me.  She kindly, lovingly and gently, stripped away all of the defense mechanisms I had built around me, and I never looked back for those hours in her office. In some of those first appointments, she would repeat to me over and over that I was safe there, and that I could say anything I needed or wanted to. I think she knew she was speaking more to the little girl in me, than to the adult me sitting there. I got to know that child inside of me in her room, I learned how to nurture her and how to heal her wounds. That child had been robbed of so much, and carried so much pain; it was a long, excruciating emotional process at times, but somehow I brought that tiny girl in me to the light and showed her that I would never allow her to be so hurt again. I learned about trusting myself.

Eventually, my marriage dissolved, I guess I'll just say that we outgrew each other, and sometimes that just happens, because not everyone is meant to stay forever. He served his purpose in my life and I hope that I gave him something positive also, in addition to the beautiful children we share.  Fast foward to one year ago, I felt like it was time to reach out and help others who are on this journey and became part of the Sexual Assault Advocacy Program. As I have stood by victims of rape, old and young, I've learned even more, I've healed even more, and I think I have given something positive to people I have encountered along the way. I have, and am, raising a strong beautiful young woman, who has my respect and admiration because she is so much stronger and wiser than I was at 17, and honestly?  I have to be thankful to some degree for all that I endured, because without it, I don't know that I would have been the kind of mother to her that I have been able to be.
The beauty of life is that when you open your heart to the world around you and give freely from it, incredible things happen and you find yourself learning just as much from others as you are teaching them; and wow, what a powerful freeing gift that can be!
I'm still touched by the profound resilience of Survivors when I encounter them and hear their stories, and often I am moved emotionally, because whether we all embrace it or not, we are bound together by a common thread. We were stolen from, but we learn that we don't have to let them win. We have the power, and the Right to take back whats ours.
Last night as I listened to a woman talk about her 11 year old daughter's abuse, she said something that struck many of us very poignantly; after the perp was brought to trial and exposed, and the child had testified against him face to face; the judge told the mother one day in the girls absence,  "tell your daughter, SHE WON"
That man got 32 years in prison for his crimes against that child, but even more than that, she won because she was brave, and she stood up and spoke it out loud and little does she realize yet at the tender age of 13 now, she paved the way for someone else to be brave and face her offender, by showing her own courage as she has.

It is my RIGHT to take back what was taken from me when I could not fight or defend myself; It is my duty as a woman, a mother, a SURVIVOR to speak out about it and not feel shamed, because I never know who may be listening (or reading) and will be able to draw strength of their own from someone who has been where they are. Yes, the ties that bring us together have been painful and so unnecessary and have felt like they were burning us alive at times, but from those ashes we will rise strong and healthy and use our own journeys for the purpose of healing and helping others as we go.
So here is to You, my fellow Survivors, for being brave enough to come into the light, and for being willing to share the stories you wear!

The Stories We Wear

It was a typical Friday night in my life, sitting home alone, doing homework, longing for a social life again, but understanding the bigger picture. I'm where I need to be right now, and I'm working towards something; something that sitting on a bar stool won't offer me.

The alarm tone sounded off on my phone reminding me that I had a "date" with a speaker about Sexual Abuse Survivors, and how to TAKE BACK OUR LIVES.  I had forgotten all about it, and for a moment I thought about skipping it because I only had 20 minutes to get ready and get out the door. I looked down at my UWGB sweats and thought, "hey, I'm clean, my clothes are clean and they aren't ratty and ripped up, my hair is okay..." to hell with it, I'm not going to a fashion show, I'm going to listen and learn, my clothes don't make or break the experience unless I let them, right?  So I made myself a quick bite to eat, grabbed a bottle of water, and out the door I went.  It's a beautiful thing the way GOD leads us to where we need to be at just the right moments in time, because I know in my heart that I got led there with a definite, undeniable purpose.
My work as a Sexual Assault Advocate has led me to some incredible people along the way, some life altering experiences and some deep heartache, and let me tell you that last night was a combination of all that.

You know sometimes we look at people on the street and we see this gruff, hard assed exterior of a person and almost immediately make a judgment about the type of person that they are, without truly knowing anything real about them. Sometimes, the people who seem the most unapproachable, are the ones who need to be approached the most, because they are hurting somewhere so deep inside and all they need is a gentle hand to reach out with some compassion and kindness. It's dangerous to judge to quickly, because often the stories we wear on the outside are masking the real story inside like a protective coat from the harsh winter winds. We all need to really start believing that we don't end up anywhere, or encounter certain people by accident. NOTHING IS AN ACCIDENT in this life! Each person and experience is intricately interwoven into the fabric of our lives, of our Beings, of our very souls; God doesn't have accidents, so even when we don't know what the hell is going on, or WHY, you can rest assured that He does.

I am a sexual abuse Survivor.  I realized last night that I have this platform to stand on, these words inside of me, and even though my internal healing is solid and strong, I have been afraid to really come out and write about it to the world, and it made me wonder how healed I really am if I am still afraid to speak it out loud to people other than those close to me. In October of 2009 when I began my journey as a rape advocate, I remember sitting in training one day listening to other women open up about their wounds of sexual abuse and assault, and all of these thoughts were screaming in my head that I wanted to say to them but I was so afraid to open my mouth, (public speaking has never been a desire of mine...) but something willed my mouth open and I heard myself encouraging these women, talking about empowerment and self healing and self love and respect, and then suddenly I was sharing something so private and hurtful about my own past with a room full of strangers!  Just as quickly as I realized what was happening and felt so completely exposed, I looked around that table and saw compassion and people nodding their heads in understanding, and knew that it was okay; even more than okay, it was purposeful and healing in and of itself!
As I have begun to open up more to people in my life, old friends have come to me and shared their own stories, and we talk about healing and growth. I've had people come to me after years of no contact, and apologize for the wrongs they committed against me as a young girl, and take ownership of the shame that I have carried, or the guilt for feeling like I somehow deserved it. There is no greater healing power in the world for a survivor, than to have a perpetrator honestly and genuinely own what they did, releasing us of that burden once and for all. Real healing happens in those moments, I am here to tell you.
None of my victimizers were ever brought before a judge or held accountable by any law, and I cannot tell you why because only my parents could truthfully answer that question; but I know that before God Almighty those people have and will pay for the sins they committed against a defenseless child, and I take great comfort in that.
Something else I have learned about sexual abuse over time is that no ones is worse or easier than anyone else's; there are no comparisons to be made, no trophy for enduring more than another, and it sure doesn't lesson the pains we feel just because maybe it only happened once. The only difference may be in whether or not it comes from someone we know and should be able to trust, or a stranger that we have no expectations of kindness from anyway. As a child when you look at your father, or your uncles etc...you see a place of safety and security, or so we should; when that is stripped away and replaced with fear and mistrust, the paths that follow become twisted and chaotic.
At a very young age, around 3 to the best of my recollection, I became the object of desire for men around me, and it's here I suppose that I will begin my story to you now. I'll admit that I'm feeling alittle scared and a whole lot nervous because there are people out there who can read these words that have never had a clue about this part of the story I wear, but I imagine great things have never been accomplished in dark closets hidden away from the light either. I was led through those experiences because my Higher Power knew that one day I would be given the strength to share it with the world, and would hopefully be able to reach someone else in pain and shed some light. So put on your seat belt, the ride gets a little bumpy.

I have memories of sitting in a highchair at my babysitters house, an older woman with a teenage son, minding my own business and being a 3 year old. I'm not sure what the hell ever provoked a 16 year old boy to find anything sexual about me,or to be so inclined to want to explore my tiny body in such perverse and twisted ways, but he did; and it was there in that house that I first learned that people were not always going to be nice to me, or be trustworthy. There was a sun-porch at this house where an upright freezer stood in a corner, leaving a space about 2 feet wide between the wall and the appliance and I was a very tiny girl so it was a perfect place to run to and hide, or so I believed; he was soon to make that a prison where he could trap me and I couldn't run away while he touched me and said disgusting things to me.  The words, "you better be a good girl and not tell anyone or you will get it worse the next time" were as powerful as a punch to the face, and fear became my constant companion. I think it is in those moments, in those words, "be a good girl," "don't you disappoint me," or any other myriad of sick manipulations that an abuser uses against us, that we become people pleasers, because every child wants to make people happy, we don't want to cause trouble, or be the source of despair for people in our lives, so we buy into the bullshit that our moldable minds are being fed, and we do as we are told, at the expense of our Self.
Over the years my perpetrators all came in the form of "friends" of the family, people my parents drank with, neighbors who seemed so genuinely thoughtful that they were able to convince my own parents that they were too good to really ever be able to hurt me, (at least that's what my father told me then), family members who were able to get away with it, because the ugliness of it all was too much for my mother to accept, so instead she called me a liar and abused me further in emotional ways. * I need to pause here for a moment, because there are family members who will come across this now and it may open up old wounds and cause pain; please understand that it is not my intent to hurt anyone, but instead to use my story to empower others. I hope you will understand that and know in your heart that you and I have already crossed these bridges and made peace with one another, but if I can spare just one person a moment of suffering by exposing my own, then I feel an obligation to do it.*
Sometimes when we, as victims, have been pushed as far as we feel we can go and are ready to just give up, feeling like there will never be an end to the physical, emotional and spiritual attacks, a miracle happens.  My miracle at 16 years old, after 13 years of sexual abuse on every level it could be encountered, was a man that I called my boyfriend, someone who had known me from 8 years old, and who felt that his job in my life was to protect me. It was him whom I finally opened up to and found safety in. He BELIEVED me. From that moment on, I was never sexually violated again. That man became my husband fresh out of high school, and at that place in my young life, gave me what I had needed for so long, a safe place to be. Looking back, I don't think I was ever "in love" with him, because for one, I don't think I even knew what real love looked like, but I knew that I had never felt safe until then either and that looked close enough to love for me. Out of that bond, came two of the most amazing human beings to ever bless my life; my son and then my daughter; and it was then that my life really changed.  Any woman who has ever been sexually abused and becomes a mother knows what I'm talking about, especially when one of those children is a baby girl. Something fierce and protective was born inside of me, with the birth of my children; and I vowed that no one would hurt them like I had been hurt. I became hyper-vigilant over these precious souls that God had entrusted to my care, and to this day, I would rather slice your throat and watch you bleed to death than allow you to harm my babies and get away with it.  I know now that their father was a seasonal character in my life, meant to offer me a safe haven for a time, and for a time, he did and I am thankful for that much.
But one day something happened that would begin to change the shape of all that I knew.

(Continue to part 2)

Naked

I'm not sure where to start this; the beginning seems so far behind me and I'm not sure I can make my way back.  I feel as though I am about to undress in front of the world; but maybe that's what I'm supposed to feel, hell at least I'm "feeling" at all, right?
As I sit here in the silence, the deafening silence of my house, the lonliness overwhelms me. This is one of "those" moments, one of them where I know I have a million reasons to feel gratitude and blessing, and even though I am grateful, and I know that I have been blessed, something so deep inside of me hurts, longs, cries out, to no one, and nothing.

I'm afraid to expose this emptiness inside; because maybe then I have to acknowledge it and accept the realness of it.
I have come to know that the only truly unconditional love I will know in my life(aside from that of my Higher power) is the love that flows from my children , because it seems like no matter how much we might struggle, the look in their eyes when they look at me doesn't change. God makes the bond between a mother and child this strong because He knows that there will be times that we need something unmovable, something solid and steady; and there is just nothing more solid than the love of a child to their mother. In these moments of pain and emptiness I reflect on the little faces that were once part of my everyday, smiles that I woke up to every morning, and the breathing that I would fall asleep listening to as they drifted off into dreams in the next room at night.
I sat here looking at my son over the weekend and saw this amazingly handsome Man sitting there. It caused me to stare at him because it really wasn't supposed to happen so fast; this growing up thing. A wonderful thing happened, and it provoked tears of joy from me and my son came to my side and put his arms around me while I cried, he didn't speak, he just offered his Mom a safe place of comfort for a moment because he knew thats all I needed and then I would be just fine, and I was, and the love and pride that I feel for him filled my heart.
I watched my baby girl step into yet another rite of passage in her life today as she passed that drivers test; the smile on her face was enough to light up a room; and again my heart overflowed with love and pride.
As I sit here now typing these words, the tears won't stop running, and the ache that I feel in my chest won't let up;  I am so very proud of them, all that they have been, are and will be....but only God knows how much I miss them and how I embrace every second with them these days because Im never quite sure when they will be back.

The looming realization of an empty house is like a mirror reflecting how I feel inside......it wasn't supposed to be like this; it wasn't the picture I painted on my lifes canvas so long ago; I never saw myself sitting alone after they grew up and began lives of their own. I never saw lonely nights that I would crawl into an empty bed and cry myself to sleep; Nope, I just didn't see it. Were my eyes closed?  Was I sleeping at the wheel when I was meant to go right and went left instead?  I don't know. I just know that my heart aches and the lonliness that I feel is threatening to swallow me whole.
But,What I also know and what I believe, is that GOD is working right now; perhaps life has been too loud lately, too hurried and full of way too much worry....maybe, just maybe, I am standing on the edge and He is about to push me because I've stood there long enough without movement, and it just seems to be His way in my life to bring me to my knees, right before He lifts me up.
I have nothing without Hope..........

My cup of tea is empty and all I want to do is surrender to the warmth of my blankets and the security of my pillow wall and just let these tears pour out until the well is dry or until i drift off into slumber, exhausted from this emotional purging.
I feel naked knowing that I am about to hit the "publish post" button on this, but I just don't have the will in me right now to put a smile on my face and speak about positive things or hopeful tomorrows; right now I just hurt inside and I just want to be held tight, but that is not a luxury I am allowed.........

The Art of BEING....

A million thoughts are racing through my mind right now and I don't know if I will be able to type fast enough to get it all out and have it make sense...
I crawled into bed last night with this amazing feeling of contentment; my bed felt softer, my mind felt quiet, and my heart felt full. I live a life full of LOVE, and altho I forget that now and then and feel sorry for myself for all of the things I don't have yet; I have to remind myself that I am BLESSED. I AM.

Three years ago when I moved into the place I live now, I remember walking out on the deck the day I came to look at the house and as I stood there and took in the serenity of the trees and the small creek in the back yard, something in my soul told me this was the place I needed to be; this was the next stepping stone in my life and I had this inner voice whispering that great things would happen while I was here. That deck has provided a haven for me, a place to escape to when life just seemed too much; it has provided a place for friends to gather and share conversation and laughter; or a place to stand at night and just behold the beauty of the night sky with the stars twinkling above me or the moon glowing like a guiding light. Yes, this place has truly given me so many reasons to feel good and to be content. I stepped out this morning in silence with my coffee and my trusted companion, Fuzzy ( my feline pal) at my feet. I stood there taking in how green the grass is, & how the water in the creek sparkled in the morning sun, and I listened to the birds chirping their morning greetings to one another while Fuzz sat on the railing rubbing her head against me, letting me know that she loves me like only she, a cat, can. And I silently rejoiced inside as I said a thank you to the Universe and to GOD for all that I HAVE. 

Life is changing again, as is the way; the constant ebb and flow that this journey requires us to endure; and part of that change is going to bring about a move for me to a smaller place because the kids are going in their own directions more and more and I have to make the adjustments in my own life now also; but as I stood outside this morning on my peaceful deck, I realized how scared I truly am. I dont want to leave the security of this place, it nurtures that solitary country girl in me, while providing me with the ease of city living that feeds another part of my spirit; I have the best of both worlds here and I don't want to let it go, but I have to trust that my God and Goddess have something even better waiting for me around the bend when the times comes for me to step forward into something else.
I have a job interview today for a retail position, and as much as I detest the world of retail work, I have to be happy that I MAY have a job at the end of this, regardless of where it is. I just keep praying that all of this schooling, studying and money owed is going to pan out and take me to the job I want, a place where I feel like I am doing what I set out to do with all of this.

On top of all that, I am back on Weight Watchers Program, trying to get my outside to match the vitality that I feel inside. It's so important to me to be healthy and strong at this point, heaven knows I am not getting any younger!
At the end of December this year, I will have completed 3 years of college and will be a senior in college! Wow, funny how I have struggled to see this in my minds eye, and now its closer than close. God willing, I will be a UWGB graduate next year, the first since my dad to graduate college.
And very soon, I will exit the 30's and enter my 40's, and even though I am working hard to find gratitude in living this long and knowing the life experience that I have been given etc, there is that part of me that also understands that it means yet another transition in my life from one phase to another, and wondering what the coming year(s) will bring and what I will accomplish from here. I feel my spirit becoming restless because I can see the places I want to go explore, the life I want to grab onto, and I feel like there is a clock ticking somewhere, telling me to hurry.

If you would have told me 10 years ago that I would be the person I am right now, I would have doubted, but I have grown and changed, matured and become less combative and hell bent on proving myself to everyone around me; I worry so much less about petty things these days, and trust GOD more; I find joy in simplicity and am not ashamed of being a simple woman when it comes to the material things of this world I live in; I've become in tune enough with myself to know what I want, and what I won't have in my life, and I have sincerely learned to appreciate the love and friendship in my life that is real and true, and not be so concerned about the ones who have proven to be too caught up in themselves to be real friends to anyone else. I have hope that I have taught my children positive things, and that they will take the negative things and use them as learning tools to shape their own lives and behaviors. The bottom line is that I HAVE HOPE each and every day. I never just give up and give in.
Life is a school that teaches us a little bit of everything on any given day; my assignment these days is to master the Art of BEING; just simply Being.

The Big Push

Well, as my fall semester approaches, I'm realizing how nervous I feel. I'm not sure I have felt this way since I actually started college. It's time for me to really make the big push, to get in all the remaining credits that I need, to absorb as much as I can, and maintain that GPA.
Maybe I'm nervous because I am realizing more and more with the passing days that I am going to have to sacrifice more than I have up to this point, to make all this work and be successful. I feel like I am about to go into hibernation, because honestly, I know that to do what I need to do, and to do it well, Im going to have to give up alot.

I still have days when I wish...if only, I would have gone to college out of highschool, but then the reality sets in that I wasn't ready to be disciplined and focused then, and I'm not really sure I would have been the student that I am now. Life and time kind of teach us about how to learn and be good students of life, dont you think?  And I never regret the decision to have my children, because afterall, I'm still young enough and vibrant enough to get out and discover life after parenting, well, parenting is never over, but for anyone who has raised children and watched them blossom into their own and venture out into the world, you know what I mean.  I now have time to really sink my teeth into my own dreams and goals.

I'm starting to be able to "see" my future, I feel my heart guiding me down the roads I need to follow, and I know that all paths lead me to this career I am working so hard to build. Nothing about my journey has been easy or traditional, but as is the way in my life, I have overcome and persevered to get where I need to be,and with each goal I reach I can breathe a sigh of success because I know I earned it.
Maybe most importantly, I have learned that its never too late to go out and make your life, it's never too late to dream a dream and GO FOR IT.  I will keep reaching and climbing until the breath leaves my lungs and feel truly grateful for the opportunities that I have been given.

After the Toast!

I've been thinking alot about marriage these days, whether its because the hopeless romantic in me keeps trying to rear her annoying head, or because I am surrounded by married people, I don't know.

When I got married 800 years ago, I dont remember ever thinking that if I married that man, it would change him into someone better. On the contrary, I was actually happy with the person that he was and that is who I wanted to marry and spend my life with.  But I've watched something happen to people when they say "I Do", it's like a jekyl and hyde movie right in front of your eyes sometimes, other times, it's in slow motion, just happening over time until one day you wake up and look at the person and think to yourself, "when did this happen and can I get a refund?"

We go into marriage with some silly expectations, don't we? I mean, if you're dating someone who has issues with commitment and faithfulness right from the start, do you really think that will change with a wedding ring? Do you know how easily they come off and can be slipped into a pocket? I've watched men do it!
A long time boyfriend, and habitual liar and cheater, once told me that if I would marry him, all the nonsense would stop and he would be faithful because the sanctity of marriage meant something big to him. Excuse me? So, you mean to tell me that you will cheat on me now, because we are only verbally committed to one another, but if I legally join my life with yours, you will just change all of a sudden & respect me enough to be faithful? Wow, how thoughtful! And what a crock of BS! 
I don't believe that people change like that just because a piece of paper suddenly says your lives are tied together by a legal contract. If you can't honor someone's heart and feelings way before that, then you sure as hell are not marriage material in my book!
So, we get married hoping and praying that the person will change whatever behaviors annoy us, make us mistrust them, and just generally create doubts in our minds. Wrong answer.

Then you have the other group that dates, thinks they know one another, get married, and WHAM! Suddenly you're married to this person you have never met before! Is it in the champagne? Something in the catered food, perhaps? What makes a person think that its okay to be kind, compassionate lisa today and then say I DO and turn into evil, obnoxious Lisa tomorrow? I've been there, trust me, that is NO fun! 
Why do we do these things to each other?  Isn't it just more work to be someone fake, than to just be YOU?
In the years after my marriage went up in flames, as I was meeting people and dating a bit, I made up my mind that I wasn't going to be phony. I wasn't going to dress in clothes that I normally would not wear, or slop on make-up that I would generally not wear, or be anyone other than the woman I knew myself to be, and if he liked me and we hit it off, great! If not, well, hey nice to meet ya, don't let the door hit ya in the ass on the way out!  I just refuse to present myself in an untrue way because I don't want to be loved for who you want me to be, or think you can mold me into, I want to be loved for who I AM.

I guess the point of this rant of mine is that if you meet someone and the warning signs are all there, the red flags are slapping you in the face like your in the middle of a windstorm and the people who are closest to you and love you are telling you over and over what they clearly see happening right in front of you...you might wanna ask yourself a few things before you take that hike down the aisle. The only people we have any right to change is ourselves, the rest is out of your hands, wedding ring or not.
If he/ she doesnt love you faithfully and honestly now, a ring and a piece of paper isn't going to change that, and sometimes no matter how much fun we have with someone, no matter how mindblowing the sex might be, if the warning signs are there and the seeds of doubt have been imbedded in your mind about that person, perhaps it's time to step back and re-evaluate things. We all have this inner voice of intuition, we just choose not to pay attention to it all to often. Learn to listen to your voice, your intuition, and when it's all telling you to BEWARE, your best advised to do just that!

"Ill Text Ya Later!"

I was listening to an AT&T commercial today talking about how we are living in the "Age of Texting", and I thought, "Wow, that guy is right!" and then I got this sinking feeling inside because I realized just how right he is.
As much I depend on, enjoy and appreciate the World Wide Web, I can't help but be a little sad about it too.  I realize that this probably sounds bizarre; because it's so convienent and fast, right? You can find ANYTHING on the internet; (& lots of stuff you never ever wanted to find in your whole life too) but it began this slippery slope in our culture, I think. It was like a drug, the net, because you could meet people from all over the world without ever leaving your living room! It made solitude popular. Why leave the house when you have a computer, right? Your friends can be right at your fingertips and you can still clean your house and paint your toenails while you talk; Isn't it sad though that we have become a culture of being too busy to really be with people and communicate? Am I just behind the times in my thinking?  I just think there is value to being face to face with people, and being completely present when you spend time talking to them. We're losing the art of companionship, if you ask me.

I cannot stand trying to have an intelligent conversation through text messages on my phone! And my other giant pet peeve about texting?  Those people that you NEVER hear from, they never just call to see how you are, they've not returned phone calls so many times that you've just quit calling them too, but you'll get a random text from them now and then? What the hell is that all about?!  I look at it like this, if you can't call me, stop by my house once in awhile and at least act like you actually give a damn about me, take my number out of your phone because you don't need to text me either! It's just like one more place for someone to SPAM you!

Is it really any wonder that we don't know how to get along and how to treat each other well, most of the time? Our social etiquette is being abandoned for abbreviated versions of what we're trying to tell each other in the fastest possible way so we can either answer the next text, or finish that TV show; and we're forgetting how powerful it is to be able to reach out and shake a hand or hug someone your happy to see. Our culture of text messaging communicators is becoming more and more robotic, we are becoming more robotic and impersonal, and I think that sometimes we should feel a little sad about that.
I am guilty, like millions of others, of using text messages or emails to keep in touch because its just easier; but in doing so, I have also realized how solitary I have gotten and how comfortable that is to me most days. In some respects I embrace that aspect of my life, but in other ways, I wonder how much is too much?

I'm not advocating a text free zone, or anything like that, because I think that cell phones and computers have made life better in many valuable ways, I just think that we need to remain balanced.

Wings to Fly

There comes a time in every parents life when our children are ready to flee from the safety of the nest and strike out into the world on their own. I think we all hope that we'll be ready when they are, but I'm finding out that they got ready way before I did.
My oldest, an amazing young man, who even though he is 20 years old is still so wet under the wings, has decided that he is content to stay in small town america, working for his father doing construction work. I tried to no avail to urge him to go to school, get a degree in something, a "plan B" if you will, and after many other "situations" where Moms word was just overlooked and ignored, I have decided to just sit quietly back and let him find his own way.

My baby girl, a young woman of 17 (going on 25 most days) thinks she has life all figured out most of the time and doesn't want to hear anything that she herself didn't say. Is that normal? I mean, these two innocent, well behaved kids of mine have just turned into Aliens! I look at them sometimes and don't know where they came from, or who they are! When did it all change? Did something happen in their brains while they were sleeping that just re-programmed them into smart mouth, know it alls? I promise you there was a time when it wasn't like this, I did not dream that!

I don't mind the desire for independence, I don't even mind that they don't like the music I listen to; there are just things I expect because I know that I didn't like my parents music either, and I sure didn't want to be around them all the time, but, no one ever told me or prepared me for the heartache that they can cause a mother. There are many men in the world that are doting fathers, loving attentive fathers, don't get me wrong; but a mother just seems so much more deeply intwined with her children emotionally...we build our lives around our husbands and our children, and although I always have had my childrens best interest in the forefront of my mind, since the divorce from their father 7 years ago, every conscious move I have made in my life since has been orchestrated with their needs and well being before mine. I haven't so much as planned a meal without asking them what they were hungry for first.

At this juncture, I hear from my son once a week or so, unless he needs something in between, and the reality is, that I do understand and accept that he is trying to grow into his own life, and he enjoys country living, as opposed to living in a small suburban area like I do, so being at his dad's 2 hours away makes more sense for him, but it doesn't make it easier for me, and it sure doesn't make the ache in my chest any less when I yearn for the days when he used to sit next to me snuggled up watching tv. I do however, still have one at home; kinda, so I have told myself that I still have at least a year with her before she is ready to spring out the door, only to reappear for visits and a home cooked meal now and then, but the mother in me is feeling all of that change too. Her tolerance seems so much shorter, her indifference so much louder, and on some days it feels more like she is just biding her time until that infamous birthday when the world tells her that she is no longer a "child" but a full fledged, able to vote and make her own rules, adult. Our struggles seem to never end these days, she always has something to say to my requests for dishes or taking out garbage, or how about the eye rolling? Ugh! Does a kid do anything more annoying than that? I mean, really, nothing has ever made me want to reach out and touch someone more than having her roll her eyes at me when I am talking to her! (insert a scream here-) Where did my little girl go, and who is this spawn of Satan that has replaced her?
A lady friend of mine with children older than mine said to me recently, " you know why they get like this and start driving us crazy at this age, don't you?" Almost pleading, I said, "No, but please please Pleeeeeease explain it to me!" She laughed, that laugh of a veteran who understands your battle scars and can sympathize with you, and said calmly, "because this is God's way of getting a Mama ready to let go." Let that sink in for a moment, because I know I had to, and then it hit me like a truck, she is so right. I mean, if we ge to the point where the smart mouths, and the never ending last words just finally wear on our last good nerve, we're almost thankful for the peace and quiet when they go, aren't we? Seriously!

My girl is making choices to keep her job up there where her father is, and has begun to talk about the impending "move out", although she is trying to do it discreetly so as not to cause her mother too much inner turbulence; what she doesn't realize is that her mother is already very aware of it. I feel unheard, and unappreciated lately, and sometimes the frustration of having to defend every single request I make, or to explain WHY a hundred times, gets the best of me and I think that I'll be so happy when she ......and then the ache in my chest stops me right there and I can't even bring myself to say the rest of the words. I thought I would be ready when they outgrew me, but what I am very clearly understanding is that I'm not sure I'll ever be ready for them to not need me so much; I haven't outgrown them, not even close, and thinking about them only being around for a visit here and there feels like someone has knocked the wind out of me, but ultimately I know that all I can do is love them as deeply and truly as I always have;

And give them wings to fly, with the hopes that they will never forget the way home.

If Nothing Could Stop You.....

The question is WHAT HOLDS YOU BACK? Where would you go, and what would you do if there was nothing to get in the way?

The answer is, that only you can answer that, and truthfully, I wonder how many of us really know what holds us back. I've learned along the way, and even though I know, it doesn't always help me to prevent it from stopping me from doing something or going somewhere new. The knowing is half the battle though, that's the good news. Arent you glad there was some good news? The bad news is that YOU have to take the steps necessary to change the barriers around you, by first identifying what they are, and how you let them affect you or inhibit you. Is that really bad news? No, I don't think so, just kinda scary, isn't it; to think that the power of change is within YOU, and that YOU have to DO it? There is no button to push or someone else to call upon to make it happen, it's all up to YOU.

I remember the day I read that statement in a book about embracing fear, and it gave me such a feeling of immense power because it made me feel like everything I wanted, or didn't want, in my life was within my ability to change! Wow, what an amazing insight!
I identified a few things in myself at that time...that my biggest obstacle in my life was FEAR. Okay," Great, I thought, now I know!" Yea, uh, but now what? How do I just stop being afraid? What am I afraid of? (did you notice that I said that in present tense? Umm, that's because as much as I would like to proclaim to not be afraid anymore, I still am sometimes.)
But, through life experience and time, I have learned something about fear. It's healthy when used properly! Let me try to explain this, if you're standing in a dark alley in a bad part of town and your fear radar is blaring in your head, that's your intuition and common sense telling you to get the hell outta there! On the other hand, if you're falling in love persay, fear is not something you want to get in your head too much. Still following me? There is such a thing as caution and we should all heed caution when necessary, but allowing full blown fear to interfere in our lives is just downright dangerous; seriously.

I was married to a man who was always scared, scared of the "what ifs", scared of the unknown, scared of things he couldn't control, everything! So afraid in fact that he talked himself right into his miserable existence, everything he feared became his reality. How many people do we all know like that? People who are so caught up in their fear of being alone, fear of being poor, my goodness the list could go on and on, right? The Law of Attraction in the Universe states that like thoughts attract like thoughts. Wow, imagine that! So when we feed our irrational fears, or dwell on the negative *what ifs* in life, we are bringing them to us in essence. Now that is a powerful thought isn't it? If you want good things and good experiences in your life, you have to let go of the negative self talk, the negative fears, and all of the old pages in the book of YOU, and start talking to yourself with positive thoughts, brave thoughts! Rewrite those pages of your life, each day is a clean, empty page! What's holding you back now?

Funny story; when I was 14 years old, we took a class trip to Great America. I had never ridden a roller coaster, although I had thoughts about them,I never really imagined I would be brave enough to try. I got in line for this loopty dee Loop roller coaster at the coaxing of my well meaning, fearless friends; I was terrified as I watched that ride whiz through the loops, upside down, down steep drops, at this point, I was sweating, shaking, but even worse than my fear of that demon roller coaster, was my fear of my friends seeing how afraid I was! So I kept moving with them through the line, getting closer and closer to the loading area, where my life would most likely come to an end. . Dramatic? Yea, well you should have told that to the 180 mile an hour heartbeat in my chest! At the last second, I considered bailing out, I thought very very seriously about not caring what the hell anyone thought of me, but I was 14, of course I cared what my friends thought of me, I mean, DUH! Peer pressure is a real bitch, isn't it?
I got on the Tidal Wave at Six Flags Great America in 1984, and have been a roller coaster junkie ever since! Matter of fact, we rode that ride 4 times in a row that day, I couldn't get enough. A few years ago, my kids and some friends and I conquered the biggest, fastest rc at Six Flags now, after watching it for 2 years in a row and being too chicken to get on it. We not only rode it once, we rode it twice, and the second time, we even put our hands in the air!

The point is? I found out that I have a very adventurous spirit within me; a spirit that loves to overcome what I think is trying to stop me, a desire to be triumphant over my fear. I have traveled to new places, met new people, I have taken chances. Now and then, we discover that a chance we took didn't turn out exactly like we had hoped, or like we had pictured, but even in those experiences there was something to learn and a reason you experienced it. You have to believe that, otherwise, what is life really about? What is all this for, if not to teach us, and to open up opportunities for us to teach as well?

I'm not perfect, nor do I have all of this down to a science, fear still grips me sometimes, but not as much, and not in regards to as many things as it used to. I have so much left to accomplish, so many things I want to bring to fruition in my life, and in the lives of others; I want to love without fear, I want to trust without so much fear attached to it, and I will, this I am sure of, baby steps.
No one can conquer it for you, they can be with you, but ultimately YOU have to do it. So what's stopping you; holding you back; keeping you from the life you want and desire? Isn't it time to figure it out? No time like the present! Conquer your "roller coaster!"

Think it! Feel it! See it! It's waiting for you :)

A Queen in the Making

Once upon a time there was a princess....

Bla bla bla! Do you remember those fairy tales, the ones that always started out so sweetly and so innocently, the ones that had us little girls believing that if we kissed a toad he would turn into our Prince? Wow, really? Yes, really. We believed it, I did for sure. No one told us then that sometimes a toad is really just a damn toad, and nothing like a prince at all! Maybe because the fairy tale version of life is so much nicer to feed our little girls,and it makes us feel better when we crawl into bed at night after reading our daughters and neices these rose colored stories, because it makes them feel all warm and hopeful inside. (and we wonder how our kids end up so messed up?) Hell, I wish someone would have just said that I may have to kiss some toads to get to a prince, not filled my head with some magical vision of turning a bumpy ugly toad into my handsome knight in shining armor!
I guess this begs the question though...do we always see those ugly bumps, or is our vision obscured right from the start? I think it's a little of both, to be honest; I mean really, how many times have you met someone and somewhere inside you just know that this person isn't right for you, doesn't fit into your plans or have any kind of "I'm your future" written on them? Yes, yes, I know you're smiling now, because you know exactly what Im talking about, dont you? But here is where our GOD complex comes into play, as I like to call it. The ole' "I can change him! I can fix him! He'll be a better person if I just stick with him!" (I'm only using HIM/HE because I am a female, so don't anyone get your panties crinkled) Say it with me, NO! NO! NO!
We don't have that kind of Power! We are merely humans, and chances are, if you're thinking like that in the first place, then you may not be as healthy as you think you are either! Ouch, right? I know. But we are being real here, remember?

So, that princess I mentioned up there? She kissed her toad, had her first orgasm with him, thought for sure it must be LOVE, and married him. Two amazing children, new home, new cars, and 18 years later, those ugly bumps and that swampy attitude could no longer be ignored. Prince Charming was not a prince afterall, and ya know' not even close to charming either. Hmmmm. What do you then, because the stories never told us that there was any other option besides "happily ever after," they never warned us that one day this life you had built would just be gone, and chaos and turmoil would take its place. Those rotten bastards!

But alas, there comes along an old cliche about how everything happens for a reason....now mind you, that doesnt really matter for awhile, doesnt make sense, surely doesnt make it better, and it damn well does not make YOU feel better! But...

Okay, are you ready for this? It really is true. At some point, on some random Monday night, when you're sitting comfortably in your cozy little house, watching your favorite tv show, or reading your book without some asshole hassling you, (you get the point), you realize that you are right where you are supposed to be in that moment.
I am a firm believer that the greatest gift we can give ourselves is to spend some time alone, not a day or two, Im talking really just be with yourself for awhile, months, maybe years if thats what it takes, but be alone! Learn about the mechanics of YOU, figure out what makes you worth being around, understand exactly what you have to offer someone else. Because trust me, if you can't stand being with yourself alone, why the hell should you expect anyone else to want to be? Make sense? Yea, I thought so. Then, while your brushing up on the book of YOU, take some time to figure out what you need and want out of life, not just a relationship with someone else, but what you really want and need and what you have to do, to accomplish those things.

It has taken me some time, and some hard knocks, but I can safely tell you that I know myself. Sometimes, I don't always like what I know, and I continue to work on those things about myself that I feel need some extra TLC, but deep down, I know who I am and what I want and where I want to go with my life....
We all have to go through our toads and wallow in some swampy waters along the way; we get hurt, we cry, we love, we lose, we wilt and we blossom. It's called LIFE; but the amazing thing is one day, you go to your closet and find a box on the shelf that you have never seen before, and you reach for it and take off the lid-
inside lays your crown, not the meek, fragile crown of a princess, but the brilliant, strong crown of a Queen; and it has your name on it. Wear it proudly, you've earned it!

Depression or an Off Day?

The more I read, the more I realize how afflicted we are with this "dis"ease. We are a society consumed with stress, worry, prejudice, political correctness and an "all about ME" attitude. Long gone are the days when your neighbors just wave and smile *just because*, long gone are the days when our kids could run around the neighborhood until well past dark playing with friends, because now we have to worry about them being assaulted or abducted. We are two parent families working to survive, we are single parent homes trying to just keep food on the table and a roof over our heads, we're so stuck in survival mode that we don't have time to have fun anymore! Stop and smell the roses? Are you kidding me? Who the hell has time to stop and smell flowers, I need to get to my next appointment, or drop the kids off at this or that; YOU smell flowers, I just don't have time!

I used to take such joy in simple things in life, and now it just feels like everything is a struggle, another hill to climb, yet another obstacle to overcome. How sad is it that I have to work to find joy in simply being alive on some days? It comes out of nowhere most of the time, it sneaks up and lurks around corners just waiting for some random little thing to upset my balance, because then I at least have something to blame this icky feeling on, a reason that makes some kind of sense.

What if the cold hard truth is, that there are just days I wake up and dont give a damn about anything and can't explain why? *Gasp* Yea, I said it. I dont know WHY, I only know that I feel it. Is it something chemically off in me? Or is it just that once in awhile life just gets a bit overwhelming and the *overload* switch goes off in my head and says "ALERT! Retreat! Hide!" I'm going with the latter. I'm not a depressed person, I'm not unhappy or negative, actually quite the opposite, really, but I have limits and I can be pushed too far now and then. Sue me.

Now don't get me wrong, there is a serious issue of depression out there, a condition that is a medical/psychological condition, and nothing irks me more than to hear someone tell a depressed person that its all in their head. I would just love to give those people 60 minutes inside the mind and psyche of a person gripped with a dark depression, and then when they beg for release, see how they quickly change that stupid psycho babble bs. But I wonder if we're becoming too medicated? I am thankful for the drugs that make life bearable for those people who suffer from real and genuine depression caused by an imbalance in their brain; but I'm worried that if we don't learn to decipher between real depression and just an off day, that we are going to medicate ourselves into oblivion and miss the ride!
I get up each day thankful for a new chance, but there are some days that I also apologize to myself and to my Higher Power for not feeling like its such a great freakin' gift that I had to get outta bed and deal with the world or be a responsable human being. I am a BLESSED woman, truly, I have some of the most amazing friends that care about me and for me when I am in need, I have a nice place to live and we're never without food in our bellies, I drive a car that I enjoy having, and I have been gifted with a kind heart. BUT! There are just some days that I don't give a damn about those things, because life just stinks right then!
And it's okay. IT'S OKAY!!! Did you hear me? We are human, we falter, we stumble, hell we fall flat on our faces sometimes; but we pick our asses up eventually and we dust ourselves off and we keep it movin'! THAT is what's important. We have to stop beating ourselves up for not feeling gratitude ALL the time, or for not realizing for a moment how lucky we are; it's okay dammit, just don't get lost in there, come back out!
you haven't heard the last from me on this subject, stay tuned...