FAITH

There has been alot of questioning lately; not only around me, but within me, about what FAITH is, and how is it that people can have FAITH in times like these when the world feels like a rotting ball of .........well, of whatever you wanna call it.
I turned on my TV this morning to watch the Pastor from the church I attend, because good ole' Wisconsin weather has made it so that I cannot leave the house just yet. How ironic that I turn it on and find Pastor Gungor talking about FAITH. Here is where I suppose my own truth needs to be shared; I haven't been feeling very Faithful lately, I've dwelled more in doubt and uncertainty than I have in Faith. It hit me last night as I was telling a friend that I feel "breakable" that I have slipped into a very dark place in my own life, in my own heart, and then I listened to my own words and thoughts, the things I was sharing and felt shame because I have become something, someone, that I don't even want to know right now. People keep coming to me, friends looking for support, family just wanting to reach out and all I can think about is how quickly I can get beyond that moment, so that I can go back into my corner and sit alone and still; silently, with nothing more than just my own tears and hurt and doubt. I find myself lacking the desire to have a good conversation, but instead have resorted to smart ass jokes and meaningless chatter just to avoid discussing anything that might make me FEEL something inside, because feeling anything is the last thing I want to do right now!
TODAY IS A NEW DAY.

Pastor talked about Faith being a place in between doubt and certainty, a place where sometimes as human beings we waver because we want to believe, but we aren't sure. We can't SEE it, but we still FEEL like it's there. He talked about Jesus Christ saying to his people that they should eat from his flesh and drink from his blood, and people were confused because they didn't understand what he was talking about, and instead just heard the words and thought him strange for saying such things and they walked away leaving only the disciples standing there. Jesus asked them, "Why did you stay?"  to which they replied, "Where are we going to go? We don't understand you or what you're doing right now, but....WE TRUST YOU." They had FAITH.  As I listened to the message today, I understood that it's okay to waver now and then, it's okay to question this unseen power in my life, the important thing is whether or not I get back over to the side of certainty and regain my footing.  And as I always have, I will; it might not be as fast as I want to, but I will get there.

I've begun to feel as though the idea of a solid, loving relationship with a man is not in my life's blueprint, because it sure isn't happening!  I have tried, I know that I have put my heart out and I have given my love to people along the way, honestly believing they were just as committed to it as I was, truly feeling that they looked at me and felt all the same devotion and adoration that I did for them, and even so, I am sitting here alone. Don't get me wrong, I am not alone in the sense of being without love and kindness in my life, I have people who love me, care for me and about me, but I don't have that one special mate, my friend and companion to share life's journey with, and off and on, I feel like that empty place in my heart consumes me. We were not built to be alone, if that were the case, God would have only created Adam or Eve, not Adam AND Eve, right? Eve the animals went to the ark in pairs! We were created to love and be loved; and there is a yearning for that within us, some of us are just more intensely aware of it, some are afraid of it and so they cower in their own lives not wanting to give it, but so willing to take it; that can only last so long too. You cannot feed off of another's soul without giving nourishment back and expect that eventually the reservoir won't dry up on you. I am finding more and more people out there in the world who are so ready to fill their tank so to speak, so ready to be all about what THEY need, that they don't consider how any of it is or will, affect anyone else along the way. And more with each passing day, I find myself withdrawing from it all, sinking away from the idea of love and at times bordering on ill choices just to seek out the companionship that I so deeply crave in my life; thankfully,  I have learned to love and respect myself enough that I don't have to make those choices in a moment of feeling lost, I instead, reach inside and grab onto that unseen, unheard "thing" that I call my FAITH, and I remind myself that maybe just because "I" think I am ready for it all to come into my life, I perhaps don't have the correct answer right now, and that I am instead on a journey that is leading me somewhere I need to be....maybe I am not ready for that man to come yet, maybe God feels like I have work to do in order to be open and accepting of a good man when he approaches me, because just maybe if he has or did come to me right now, my mind and heart are to laden with crap to be able to see him and be open to what he is offering me.

Back to FAITH.  I don't understand where I am right now, I don't understand why, or what, or who; but what I do know beyond the shadow of a doubt is that when it feels like there is nothing left, no one left, I find HIM, and I feel my FAITH.  Looking back in my life, I can recall life altering moments when I felt like I was standing on the edge of a cliff, teetering, unsure, scared, excited, not knowing whether to jump or stay, feeling like my feet were glued to the place I was standing, yet the wind was blowing so hard around me that it was causing me to bend and sway in it, making me realize that the glue under my feet didn't have to be stronger than the wind that was trying to blow me over the edge.....and in those moments that I jumped and let the wind carry me off the edge, LIFE HAPPENED, and rays of positive light and love exploded in and around me.  I'm standing there right now....today I woke up and crawled out of the dark corner I was hiding in, because I realize that there is nothing there I haven't seen a million times and I am tired of the same scenery, I'm ready and hungry for change in my life, I am so ready and willing to step into the light and be the woman that I was created to be.

The hazard of change is that sometimes we have to take a good hard look at our environment, and just like an addict, we have to let go, move away from, remove ourselves from, people and places that don't contribute to our well being but instead keep us feening and lost. I have felt like a fish out of water too much lately, and it's time to step firmly back into my skin and take the hand of FAITH and keep moving forward, I've been here long enough. My beautiful Taurus baby said to me recently, "your not yourself anymore, you're just not happy like you usually are."  That stung, but it was the reality of who I have allowed myself to become because I lost sight of my own soul, I lost my firm grip on FAITH'S hand...
TODAY IS A NEW DAY. I am thankful, and I am Blessed, and I am back on my feet.

**this is dedicated to all of us who question, to all of us wandering around feeling unsure right now...and most of all, it's dedicated to those very special few in my life who listen as I cry, those who absorb the darkness and shine light for me when I am not strong enough to do it myself; for that very sacred circle of love I have surrounded myself with. I know that all of you are going through your own trials, yet you never turn me away when I come to you broken and bleeding. Thank you for the love and healing that you give me just by being you and being in my life.**