"Depression is a state of massive deception, distorting everything that is true about life and the world around you. Those of us who have had to face this demon have tried all we know how to break free. To rid ourselves of this dreadful disease, we try to smoke it out, sex it out, educate it out, counsel it out, medicate it out, shop it out, snort it out, shit it out. In the end, we find that no matter how much we do,or who we do it with, no external effort alone conquers depression. " (I Cant live like this Anymore!; Lilada Gee)
I came across this today as I was reading her book about surviving sexual abuse. She has the link to this blog, I'm hoping that she will read this and know that her words, her suffering, and her healing have touched someone else, and healed something in me as well.
When I started writing this today, my eyes were filled with tears, my loyal friends, Fear and Distrust, were sitting close by, and then suddenly my phone rang and it was a friend that I have met through some of the same work that I do with the sexual assault center. He called to tell me about his latest case, a family with three children, all of them walking home from an after-school program and were hit by a city bus, one of them dead. The words hit me like I was standing in front of that bus, the impact those images had on my mind was overwhelming, and all I could do was surrender to the tears that now fell like a steady rain down my face. Somewhere a mother was mourning the loss of her child; a child that would never return home, a child that she had to say goodbye to. Then the realization hit me about the tears that were streaming down my face; I felt her pain in all the ways that I could, with not knowing her experience, but even more than that, I felt my own pain inside for moments before feeling sorry for myself, and being dominated by fear; when the reality is and was, that my life is peaceful, and that my children are safe and sound, and that even though in this moment it feels like things are out of place and unsecured in my life, I have to know and believe that GOD is working right now. He worked when that phone rang and made me realize the gratitude I felt, the blessings I have, and the love that fills my life. I don't have money the way I want it, and I won't be out filling shopping carts for Christmas, but at the end of the day, I have all of the important things in life, the things that really truly matter, and the rest can be achieved with a little more Faith and Perseverance. I know I'm on the road that He has been guiding me to; sometimes I just get tripped up on my own feet and I stumble.
As each new breath fills my lungs, I am gifted with another chance to do the work in my life; I pray I don't waste anymore time on self pity and loathing; but instead rise to the challenges before me and work to create the life that HE and I both know I am capable of with focus.
I pray for myself and for everyone today to be granted the strength to keep going when falling on our knee's seems so much easier...go ahead and drop down for a moment if you need to, then reach up and put it all in His hands, knowing and trusting that HE HAS GOT YOUR BACK. Stop for a moment and find at least one thing you can be grateful for today, right now. Embrace it- then get up and keep stepping forward into life, your life.
Amen.
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