A million thoughts are racing through my mind right now and I don't know if I will be able to type fast enough to get it all out and have it make sense...
I crawled into bed last night with this amazing feeling of contentment; my bed felt softer, my mind felt quiet, and my heart felt full. I live a life full of LOVE, and altho I forget that now and then and feel sorry for myself for all of the things I don't have yet; I have to remind myself that I am BLESSED. I AM.
Three years ago when I moved into the place I live now, I remember walking out on the deck the day I came to look at the house and as I stood there and took in the serenity of the trees and the small creek in the back yard, something in my soul told me this was the place I needed to be; this was the next stepping stone in my life and I had this inner voice whispering that great things would happen while I was here. That deck has provided a haven for me, a place to escape to when life just seemed too much; it has provided a place for friends to gather and share conversation and laughter; or a place to stand at night and just behold the beauty of the night sky with the stars twinkling above me or the moon glowing like a guiding light. Yes, this place has truly given me so many reasons to feel good and to be content. I stepped out this morning in silence with my coffee and my trusted companion, Fuzzy ( my feline pal) at my feet. I stood there taking in how green the grass is, & how the water in the creek sparkled in the morning sun, and I listened to the birds chirping their morning greetings to one another while Fuzz sat on the railing rubbing her head against me, letting me know that she loves me like only she, a cat, can. And I silently rejoiced inside as I said a thank you to the Universe and to GOD for all that I HAVE.
Life is changing again, as is the way; the constant ebb and flow that this journey requires us to endure; and part of that change is going to bring about a move for me to a smaller place because the kids are going in their own directions more and more and I have to make the adjustments in my own life now also; but as I stood outside this morning on my peaceful deck, I realized how scared I truly am. I dont want to leave the security of this place, it nurtures that solitary country girl in me, while providing me with the ease of city living that feeds another part of my spirit; I have the best of both worlds here and I don't want to let it go, but I have to trust that my God and Goddess have something even better waiting for me around the bend when the times comes for me to step forward into something else.
I have a job interview today for a retail position, and as much as I detest the world of retail work, I have to be happy that I MAY have a job at the end of this, regardless of where it is. I just keep praying that all of this schooling, studying and money owed is going to pan out and take me to the job I want, a place where I feel like I am doing what I set out to do with all of this.
On top of all that, I am back on Weight Watchers Program, trying to get my outside to match the vitality that I feel inside. It's so important to me to be healthy and strong at this point, heaven knows I am not getting any younger!
At the end of December this year, I will have completed 3 years of college and will be a senior in college! Wow, funny how I have struggled to see this in my minds eye, and now its closer than close. God willing, I will be a UWGB graduate next year, the first since my dad to graduate college.
And very soon, I will exit the 30's and enter my 40's, and even though I am working hard to find gratitude in living this long and knowing the life experience that I have been given etc, there is that part of me that also understands that it means yet another transition in my life from one phase to another, and wondering what the coming year(s) will bring and what I will accomplish from here. I feel my spirit becoming restless because I can see the places I want to go explore, the life I want to grab onto, and I feel like there is a clock ticking somewhere, telling me to hurry.
If you would have told me 10 years ago that I would be the person I am right now, I would have doubted, but I have grown and changed, matured and become less combative and hell bent on proving myself to everyone around me; I worry so much less about petty things these days, and trust GOD more; I find joy in simplicity and am not ashamed of being a simple woman when it comes to the material things of this world I live in; I've become in tune enough with myself to know what I want, and what I won't have in my life, and I have sincerely learned to appreciate the love and friendship in my life that is real and true, and not be so concerned about the ones who have proven to be too caught up in themselves to be real friends to anyone else. I have hope that I have taught my children positive things, and that they will take the negative things and use them as learning tools to shape their own lives and behaviors. The bottom line is that I HAVE HOPE each and every day. I never just give up and give in.
Life is a school that teaches us a little bit of everything on any given day; my assignment these days is to master the Art of BEING; just simply Being.
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