Room With A View

04/29/11

The world looks different from 8 floors up; less threatening somehow. As I sit here in this hospital room looking at my daughter sleeping, so tender and vulnerable she seems,  it makes my heart ache. Had I been able to take this from her and carry the burden, I would have gladly, but life doesn't work that way does it; seems we all have our loads to bear as we make our way along.
I have been so sick myself over the past several months on and off of antibiotics, in and out of the ER and doctor offices, and honestly this bout with the staff infection and all of the issues and medication reactions left me feeling quite beaten and bruised,physically, emotionally and spiritually. I can say that there have been a few days when the fight just left me and I felt ready to just give in and give up. I'm not used to being needy and dependent, and through this I have had to surrender and ask for help, not one of my strong suits. :( I'm figuring out that maybe that was the plan all along...to teach me about surrender; to force me to relinquish some control. Whatever it is, or was, it created a defeated mindset in me for awhile because I know that everyone is struggling, everyone is going through something and coping and dealing with everyday life, and I didn't want to be one more thing for someone to have to "deal with."

Odd how the collective cosmic energies of the Universe, God/Goddess, our Angels, all of it/them, work together to create a response just when it's needed- Just when I feel like my body has completely betrayed me and is on the attack and I had been forgotten about by any and all Higher Powers in my life; that moment when I really just wanted to be still and quit; my baby girl got sick. I didn't realize the lesson in it immediately, I just knew that she needed me to take care of her, and as most any mother can attest to, something happens in us,no matter how sick or how tired we are, when our children need us.
Danielle and her bad gall bladder saved me, and I am sure she doesn't even have a clue. It wasn't that I didn't have a reason to fight before that, I just didn't feel any fight left until I had to rally my own strength and energy and be strong for her, to help her be alright and well. I'm sure my children have no idea how strong they make me, no matter how weak I feel.  We have always been each others biggest cheerleaders, even when we don't see eye to eye, (and I don't mean because I'm so much shorter than them )
And in all of this, I once again see my own mother's strength and fight- the way she endlessly does anything and everything that she can for her family, taking care of us when we are down, sick, or hurt and battered by life. The tireless research that she does to find all of the good things she can to help us heal and be well overall; and it isn't just for us, her family that she does these things, it's for everyone in her life that comes to her and asks for help or advice, and I know that she probably thinks that none of us, her stubborn, independent, strong willed kids and grand kids,listen to a word she says, let alone actually DO what she is telling us, but I hope that she will realize that we do; sometimes we just wait until she isn't looking. Did I say that we are stubborn and strong willed? I for one, know that without her help, her time, and her advice through this fiasco I have been dealing with health wise, I would most likely not be as well as I am right now. So even though I bucked and got crabby off and on, she never quit and never let me down. I truly do thank God for my Mom.

And my friends? How do I begin to say thank you for the love and the prayers and the daily encouragement that was given to me, to us? I'm not sure how I will ever repay it, or do it justice, but know that in my heart and soul it will never ever be forgotten, and it was something I clung to everyday for support.
We don't always appreciate the people who sustain us along this journey- those whose very aura and energy uplifts us and motivates us when our own power supplies run low- But God knows who we need and when we need them.

May 1.2011

In 5 days my baby girl will be 18, a brand new phase of her life; and as I write this today, she is doing very well, healing up beautifully and coming fully back into her sassy, fun loving Self. I couldn't be happier. :) She amazes me with her strength and her perseverance, I stand in awe, Danielle....truly. You are just a phenomenal young woman. Thank you for BLESSING my life.
And I too, am coming back finally. Look out World! ;)