A Moment to Exhale

Have you ever felt like you're waiting to exhale? I remember the movie from what seems like ages ago, and the title has always struck me; perhaps because I feel like I have spent so much of my life in those "waiting to exhale" moments. Times where life feels like its just consuming and overwhelming me, and then suddenly I realize that the simple act of taking a deep breath has been a luxury I haven't allowed myself; and I exhale and breathe in consciously, mindfully. It's amazing how a simple breath can bring you back to your Self, back to your own two feet.
I believe that poverty creates stress, depression and intense anxiety with overall life in general; hell, I don't just "believe" that, I know it! Jobs that we hate stress us and leave us feeling empty and useless inside, wondering what our purpose is, wondering how in the hell we are ever going to get where we need and want to be in life when we feel strapped down by financial limits, which seem to carry over into everything else.

I have been planning to get away for Diva Weekend for about a year now, looking forward to it but yet, stressing about money and whether it would be enough, stressing about school being done and my work caught up, stressing about driving the 8 hours alone etc...and the craziest part maybe? I stress about dying when away on trips, I leave with my house and things in order so that if it does happen, my children will always know how to proceed with things. THIS TIME however, I didn't even think about all that, the dying part, I mean. Somehow with my growing Faith in my Higher Power(s), I have learned to embrace life and accept death as part of it, and I have tried to instill this thought process to my children along the way as I have grown more solid in it myself; but I digress, this is not a story about dealing with death.

I have only ever taken a couple of trips alone where the distance was more than a few hours, and each time it challenged me to overcome fear, and panic inside, but in the end always resulted in a feeling of great accomplishment and pride that I had actually overcome them and Won. This trip was no exception to that. I had moments where panic started to set in and overwhelm me, and then I prayed harder, and step by step I made it to Detroit with no major issues or detours. 
I met, for the first time face to face, a woman who has become a staple person in my life, a soul sister/friend/counselor/maternal person. A woman who embodies all of the qualities I admire in a woman, strength, independence, self assurance without arrogance, and just overall compassion and open mindedness. She is someone I call FAMILY, and someone that I love with all my heart. I feel like my life has been blessed with her presence in it, and I know that it was no accident that I met her online a year ago and instantly bonded over the miles between WI and NC. It was like coming together with an old friend after some time has passed, there was never a moment of awkwardness or skepticism on either part; it just seemed natural to be with her. I have lacked solid female relationships in my life, sometimes because I avoided them, sometimes because they just simply haven't been the kind of people that I have wanted to surround myself with; either way, I have had very few women in my life that I have trusted in and felt like I could truly call friends. Kay has been and will be, a woman of substance in my life, hopefully for as long as we both have breath in our lungs. I feel like she is a lifetime person for me.

The weekend was spent talking, laughing, sharing and comforting. We are all mothers, sisters, friends, daughters; we have all been wives and girlfriends. We have all experienced joy and pain. It was a weekend to come together with each other to provide the nurturing and counseling that only another woman can give us, the love and compassion that only women can understand it seems, and a chance to Exhale.
I was welcomed into the family, and was very quickly embraced as another "auntie" which made me smile from the inside out, I felt honored! I spent the weekend listening and observing them and me; I spent the weekend learning about the struggles of motherhood we all face, the challenges of relationships we endure and weather, and the love that women are so capable of for one another. As I write this, I am overcome with happiness inside, filled with emotion and so truly aware of the blessings of these women and their presence in my world over the past few days.

On the ride back as my journey began, I prayed for a safe trip; for Him/Her to be my hands on the wheel, my eyes, and my mind; to work through me, to envelop me with protection, and to guide everyone else around me on the roadways to be just as alert and aware of their actions so that we could travel safely down the highways to our destinations. I also added to that prayer a "please no rain through the loop in Chicago" because I knew that it would cause an already challenging situation to become even more-so for me, and to bring with it that feeling of fear and panic that I work so hard to avoid. The first thing that happened was immediate; I was at the gas station gassing up for the road when I asked a stranger about getting on the interstate, I knew that if I went back to where I came from I knew how to get on it, but from where I was sitting, I wondered about a closer jump-on place, so I asked...not only did the man explain how I could get on right from where we were, he actually drove ahead of me and led me right to the place I needed to exit onto the interstate. THANK YOU GOD moment number 2, (the first was when I opened my eyes to a new day). I do admit that for a moment I hesitated in following him and almost just back tracked back to where I had come from because that's what my directions from MapQuest specifically said. Ugh. Can we say trust issues? Bottom line though is that I did trust in him, and I feel that in that moment God/Goddess put him there for me.
Remember that I prayed for no rain in Chicago? Well, as I neared the Loop, the skies got darker and more threatening and sprinkles began to fall. I felt my heart rate go up, that cold sweat beginning, and I stopped and just prayed for the strength and focus to overcome whatever I had to face to get through this part of the trip, and to just keep me on the right track. There are actually lit up signs above the interstate as you approach the Loop to tell you how long you have before you get to it, which in and of itself made me laugh because of the panic it evoked in me, so it made me chuckle to think that they actually warned a person ahead of time that you were "9 minutes from the circle" as though we were entering into some other dimension or something!
My first thought as the rain began to pelt harder and harder against my windshield was, "are u kidding me right now? Is this some sort of cruel joke?" But those thoughts quickly changed to, "Ok, so you've laid out a challenge, a chance to overcome a fear in me, a moment to prove myself to My Self." Not only was it pouring down rain, the traffic was stopped and creeping in all 4 lanes. Stressful? No, it became a blessing in disguise instead. When I made the initial trip through the Chicago Loop just days prior, it was rush hour, sun shining, and cars moving at ridiculous speeds as they dodged in and out of lanes and caused severe anxiety in me. As I inched my way along in the rain this time, I felt comforted by the slow pace, the opportunity to focus on signage and directions I was supposed to be going etc...So yes, He gave me rain, but he softened the blow with the slower pace I was able to take to get through it. THANK YOU GOD moment number 3. That whole span of time spent driving that Loop changed something in me, in my mind and my heart; the gratitude I felt, and the Love that I knew was given to me by God/Goddess was immense and powerful! How glorious is it to feel so completely Blessed and Protected!

I thanked Him/Her every step of the way, with every mile I drove, and with each mile I became more and more filled with joy inside. The next little addition to my prayers were to at least let me have the home stretch be rain free so I could just open the windows, enjoy my music and complete my journey homeward. They heard me, and again granted me a gift of clearer skies and no rain shortly out of Milwaukee, I could only smile. There is nothing more powerful to me than having my Faith confirmed so blatantly, to the point that there is no denying the work being done in my life by God and Goddess. It's one thing for people to tell you that you are a "Blessed Person", it's another when you finally see it and believe it yourself. It's incredible and comforting. I pulled into my driveway bursting with contentment within, overflowing to all those I was in contact with in those moments, and simply happy to be home safe and sound and loved so deeply by The Father and Mother creators.
I never once thought about coming home to an empty house, or felt sad, but instead felt happy when I  was greeted by my furry companion who I heard calling me from inside the house before the door was even opened, and  who was overjoyed to see me when I made my entrance. THANK YOU GOD moment number 4.

I'm facing a lot of decisions in my life right now, big ones, choices that will affect the course of my life now and later, but one thing I am more sure of than ever is that all I have to do is keep a firm grip on Their hand and I will be delivered right where I need to and am supposed to, be. THANK YOU GOD moment number 5 :)
This was more than a Diva weekend, it was another life altering moment for me as a woman in this world, as a mother, as a friend,sister, daughter, partner; it was another element in the journey I live of discovering Me and those who I have chosen to surround myself with, and I am so very thankful for the maturity I have gained over time, the differences in what is and should be priorities in my life, and the contentment that keeps building and growing inside of me about life, Faith and all that goes with it.

THANK YOU GOD & GODDESS