Where Were You

Where were you when I was lost?
Nowhere to be found.
Where were you when I felt alone?
Nowhere around.

Where were you when my heart ached?
Too busy to be bothered.
Where were you when I needed to talk?
You never talked, you hollered.

Where were you when I said not again?
Lost in your own ego.
Where were you when I said,"the end"?
Drowning in your own ego.

Consumed by your self absorption,
hearing only what you want
not caring about the truth;
Where were you when my heart opened up and I loved you?
On the other side of a burning bridge with no way back.

©2011.KDK.All Rights Reserved. 

On the Horizon.....

It seemed fitting to come and write something today....it's New Year's Eve Day, a momentous occasion in the world, the end of a decade, the experiences that become lasting memories in our minds and hearts, and the beginning of what we hope will be better times than the ones we are leaving behind.

I'm filled with mixed emotions as I prepare for this new year. I am starting a new job, diving deeper into my final year of a BA, and wondering, endlessly it seems at times, if I will ever find HIM, or if it will be me and the cats for the rest of my days. I love my cats and all, but I am sure hoping its not the latter!
I realized in a conversation with a friend today, that as we get older it's hilarious how our minds change about dating and futures with men.  We're no longer looking at what kind of car they drove up in, we're just happy they HAVE a car! Okay, okay, all jokes aside....(you know that made you laugh tho....)  The things that we long for are no longer buyable, we're less concerned with all the material stuff,and more interested in the quality of the man as we get older, because we have been through enough to recognize quality when we experience it, and we appreciate it as women of quality ourselves. They aren't easy to find though, those quality men, they're hidden by others who offer immediate gratification in one way or another, whether it be sexually or in some other way; and we want it NOW, so we reach out for the now answer. Well, while we're dancing some wildly emotional and off balance dance with that person, Quality is waiting quietly in the background, watching and wondering why we don't see him, right?  And why don't we see him? Do you ever ask yourself that? I mean, hell of course you do! Any woman that has ever prayed for a "good man" asks herself that EVERY SINGLE TIME, Mr Now comes into our lives and hurts us, don't we?  Be really honest with yourself now...

We live in a world of Now! Fast! Quick!  So why would we treat our relationships any differently? We are human, we have desires, we have emotions and sometimes we just want them fed, even if that means picking the wrong person for a temporary fix.  But, as we get older, we hopefully, (although definitely not true for everyone) come to realize how empty all of that is, and how it doesn't fill any voids or make us feel better about anything. We learn to pass up the Mr Now's, and we quietly wait for Quality to come along. We learn discernment; and I have figured out along the way that it has a lot to do with where we are within ourselves, because as we appreciate, love and respect ourselves more, we don't settle for others giving us anything less in return.

The most important things in relationships can't be bought, they have to be given from the heart. Truth, loyalty, devotion, commitment; those are all elements that need to be "felt", not just spoken, and people are afraid to expose themselves to each other, afraid to really "go all in" because it's been dark and scary in the past when they do that. So what does that leave us then? A lonely present, and a lonely future, because life IS scary! Love is scary! Even the love between parent and child, or best friends, is scary sometimes! But if we're never willing to just go all in for love again, we'll either be alone, or we'll keep distance between us and them so that we only ever have to give "so much", and that just seems like it would be lonely too, doesn't it?
If we spent even half the time loving and being happy as we do with worrying about getting hurt, the world would be a very different place, dont'cha think?
That's what really changes the game up as we get older; we're both carrying baggage now, we've both been through what can feel like lifetimes of bullshit, and neither of us has the energy for the game playing silliness that goes on, so we weed out the Now's while we smile and feel flattered they noticed us, and we stay rooted in place waiting for Quality, because we just know that he is out there....somewhere...we're pretty sure of it, right?

On the horizon for myself in 2011 is, to be less afraid and more brave; less stumbling and more slow and steady; less crying and a lot more laughing; less impatience and more Faith....
Hell, I wish it for all of us! Be Braver, Be more steady on your own two feet, in all the ways that are important in your life, and for goodness sake, LAUGH MORE! AND KEEP THE FAITH!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

FAITH

There has been alot of questioning lately; not only around me, but within me, about what FAITH is, and how is it that people can have FAITH in times like these when the world feels like a rotting ball of .........well, of whatever you wanna call it.
I turned on my TV this morning to watch the Pastor from the church I attend, because good ole' Wisconsin weather has made it so that I cannot leave the house just yet. How ironic that I turn it on and find Pastor Gungor talking about FAITH. Here is where I suppose my own truth needs to be shared; I haven't been feeling very Faithful lately, I've dwelled more in doubt and uncertainty than I have in Faith. It hit me last night as I was telling a friend that I feel "breakable" that I have slipped into a very dark place in my own life, in my own heart, and then I listened to my own words and thoughts, the things I was sharing and felt shame because I have become something, someone, that I don't even want to know right now. People keep coming to me, friends looking for support, family just wanting to reach out and all I can think about is how quickly I can get beyond that moment, so that I can go back into my corner and sit alone and still; silently, with nothing more than just my own tears and hurt and doubt. I find myself lacking the desire to have a good conversation, but instead have resorted to smart ass jokes and meaningless chatter just to avoid discussing anything that might make me FEEL something inside, because feeling anything is the last thing I want to do right now!
TODAY IS A NEW DAY.

Pastor talked about Faith being a place in between doubt and certainty, a place where sometimes as human beings we waver because we want to believe, but we aren't sure. We can't SEE it, but we still FEEL like it's there. He talked about Jesus Christ saying to his people that they should eat from his flesh and drink from his blood, and people were confused because they didn't understand what he was talking about, and instead just heard the words and thought him strange for saying such things and they walked away leaving only the disciples standing there. Jesus asked them, "Why did you stay?"  to which they replied, "Where are we going to go? We don't understand you or what you're doing right now, but....WE TRUST YOU." They had FAITH.  As I listened to the message today, I understood that it's okay to waver now and then, it's okay to question this unseen power in my life, the important thing is whether or not I get back over to the side of certainty and regain my footing.  And as I always have, I will; it might not be as fast as I want to, but I will get there.

I've begun to feel as though the idea of a solid, loving relationship with a man is not in my life's blueprint, because it sure isn't happening!  I have tried, I know that I have put my heart out and I have given my love to people along the way, honestly believing they were just as committed to it as I was, truly feeling that they looked at me and felt all the same devotion and adoration that I did for them, and even so, I am sitting here alone. Don't get me wrong, I am not alone in the sense of being without love and kindness in my life, I have people who love me, care for me and about me, but I don't have that one special mate, my friend and companion to share life's journey with, and off and on, I feel like that empty place in my heart consumes me. We were not built to be alone, if that were the case, God would have only created Adam or Eve, not Adam AND Eve, right? Eve the animals went to the ark in pairs! We were created to love and be loved; and there is a yearning for that within us, some of us are just more intensely aware of it, some are afraid of it and so they cower in their own lives not wanting to give it, but so willing to take it; that can only last so long too. You cannot feed off of another's soul without giving nourishment back and expect that eventually the reservoir won't dry up on you. I am finding more and more people out there in the world who are so ready to fill their tank so to speak, so ready to be all about what THEY need, that they don't consider how any of it is or will, affect anyone else along the way. And more with each passing day, I find myself withdrawing from it all, sinking away from the idea of love and at times bordering on ill choices just to seek out the companionship that I so deeply crave in my life; thankfully,  I have learned to love and respect myself enough that I don't have to make those choices in a moment of feeling lost, I instead, reach inside and grab onto that unseen, unheard "thing" that I call my FAITH, and I remind myself that maybe just because "I" think I am ready for it all to come into my life, I perhaps don't have the correct answer right now, and that I am instead on a journey that is leading me somewhere I need to be....maybe I am not ready for that man to come yet, maybe God feels like I have work to do in order to be open and accepting of a good man when he approaches me, because just maybe if he has or did come to me right now, my mind and heart are to laden with crap to be able to see him and be open to what he is offering me.

Back to FAITH.  I don't understand where I am right now, I don't understand why, or what, or who; but what I do know beyond the shadow of a doubt is that when it feels like there is nothing left, no one left, I find HIM, and I feel my FAITH.  Looking back in my life, I can recall life altering moments when I felt like I was standing on the edge of a cliff, teetering, unsure, scared, excited, not knowing whether to jump or stay, feeling like my feet were glued to the place I was standing, yet the wind was blowing so hard around me that it was causing me to bend and sway in it, making me realize that the glue under my feet didn't have to be stronger than the wind that was trying to blow me over the edge.....and in those moments that I jumped and let the wind carry me off the edge, LIFE HAPPENED, and rays of positive light and love exploded in and around me.  I'm standing there right now....today I woke up and crawled out of the dark corner I was hiding in, because I realize that there is nothing there I haven't seen a million times and I am tired of the same scenery, I'm ready and hungry for change in my life, I am so ready and willing to step into the light and be the woman that I was created to be.

The hazard of change is that sometimes we have to take a good hard look at our environment, and just like an addict, we have to let go, move away from, remove ourselves from, people and places that don't contribute to our well being but instead keep us feening and lost. I have felt like a fish out of water too much lately, and it's time to step firmly back into my skin and take the hand of FAITH and keep moving forward, I've been here long enough. My beautiful Taurus baby said to me recently, "your not yourself anymore, you're just not happy like you usually are."  That stung, but it was the reality of who I have allowed myself to become because I lost sight of my own soul, I lost my firm grip on FAITH'S hand...
TODAY IS A NEW DAY. I am thankful, and I am Blessed, and I am back on my feet.

**this is dedicated to all of us who question, to all of us wandering around feeling unsure right now...and most of all, it's dedicated to those very special few in my life who listen as I cry, those who absorb the darkness and shine light for me when I am not strong enough to do it myself; for that very sacred circle of love I have surrounded myself with. I know that all of you are going through your own trials, yet you never turn me away when I come to you broken and bleeding. Thank you for the love and healing that you give me just by being you and being in my life.**

Lost and Found

"Depression is a state of massive deception, distorting everything that is true about life and the world around you. Those of us who have had to face this demon have tried all we know how to break free. To rid ourselves of this dreadful disease, we try to smoke it out, sex it out, educate it out, counsel it out, medicate it out, shop it out, snort it out, shit it out. In the end, we find that no matter how much we do,or who we do it with, no external effort alone conquers depression. " (I Cant live like this Anymore!; Lilada Gee)

I came across this today as I was reading her book about surviving sexual abuse. She has the link to this blog, I'm hoping that she will read this and know that her words, her suffering, and her healing have touched someone else, and healed something in me as well.

When I started writing this today, my eyes were filled with tears, my loyal friends, Fear and Distrust, were sitting close by, and then suddenly my phone rang and it was a friend that I have met through some of the same work that I do with the sexual assault center. He called to tell me about his latest case, a family with three children, all of them walking home from an after-school program and were hit by a city bus, one of them dead. The words hit me like I was standing in front of that bus, the impact those images had on my mind was overwhelming, and all I could do was surrender to the tears that now fell like a steady rain down my face. Somewhere a mother was mourning the loss of her child; a child that would never return home, a child that she had to say goodbye to.  Then the realization hit me about the tears that were streaming down my face; I felt her pain in all the ways that I could, with not knowing her experience, but even more than that, I felt my own pain inside for moments before feeling sorry for myself, and being dominated by fear; when the reality is and was, that my life is peaceful, and that my children are safe and sound, and that even though in this moment it feels like things are out of place and unsecured in my life, I have to know and believe that GOD is working right now. He worked when that phone rang and made me realize the gratitude I felt, the blessings I have, and the love that fills my life. I don't have money the way I want it, and I won't be out filling shopping carts for Christmas, but at the end of the day, I have all of the important things in life, the things that really truly matter, and the rest can be achieved with a little more Faith and Perseverance. I know I'm on the road that He has been guiding me to; sometimes I just get tripped up on my own feet and I stumble.

As each new breath fills my lungs, I am gifted with another chance to do the work in my life; I pray I don't waste anymore time on self pity and loathing; but instead rise to the challenges before me and work to create the life that HE and I both know I am capable of with focus.
I pray for myself and for everyone today to be granted the strength to keep going when falling on our knee's seems so much easier...go ahead and drop down for a moment if you need to, then reach up and put it all in His hands, knowing and trusting that HE HAS GOT YOUR BACK.  Stop for a moment and find at least one thing you can be grateful for today, right now. Embrace it- then get up and keep stepping forward into life, your life.
Amen.

You

I remember lazy Sundays in bed,
football and movies
sex and naps.
There has never been another you.

I remember electric stares,
white hot lust abound
you and me.
There has never been another you.

I tried to find you,
to recreate the "us
that I so deeply miss.
But there is no other you.


You loved me completely
baggy sweats and pontytails
and adored me unconditionally.
There is not another you.


I remember how you felt,
and the taste of your kiss
the touch of your hand.
But I don't have you.

No one has looked at me like you did,
no one has loved as deeply
or as completely...
There will never be another you.

Dedicated to a memory that will never die...thank you JD~

Crooked

I went to a second interview today at a place, and feel like I have a pretty good shot at the job. Not a job I really WANT, but a job nonetheless...I was told by both interviewers that they liked my personality, and used words like, "Engaging, energetic and sweet".....Engaging? I don't think I have ever been accused of that one before; Energetic? Ummm, yea, if they knew how I was feeling inside that would be the last word they would choose. I'm having a rough couple of weeks again, in and out of darkness in my mind, wondering about my direction, or moreso my lack of these days.

The funny thing is that I was walking around my house noticing how crooked some of the pictures on my walls are, and I had to laugh right out loud because I thought it highly ironic that those crooked pictures seemed to represent ME all of a sudden. I feel like I am off balance, dizzy...not literally, at least not all the time.  One minute you can be on top of the world, feeling like you have things mapped out and know what to do, where to go and how you're going to get there, then suddenly some person or thing happens and pulls the rug right out from underneath you. Bastards.
I'm mad lately, and I'm even mad about being mad!

I see and encounter people all around me that are so willing to toy with other people's emotions, so willing to take take take, while they hoard their own emotions or heart from those who they take so freely from.
I was always taught to treat others as I want to be treated, and I have done my best to do that....but I think I am changing it up for awhile and I am going to just treat people exactly how they treat me and see how it makes people feel. Maybe a wake up call for the world is in order. I'm sick of being nice, sick of being forgiving and sick of seeing the best in people. I'm just going to see the world for what it is....a steaming pile of manure!
Yea, today I'm angry and I just can't find the will to fight it right now, I'm going to just indulge it for a moment, this too shall pass.

I Hope.

A Mindful Moment

I woke up this morning to a message saying, "have a blessed day, i love you"...funny how something so simple can alter a moment, or an entire day even!  It inspired me to smile, it filled my heart with love, gratitude and simple joy this morning. Often times, I don't think we take enough time to just reach out. And it made me want to share that feeling with the special people in my life, so I paid it forward and in my own crazy, silly fashion, sent out messages to a select few in my life and shared the love. It's fantastic when you get responses back from people and you can actually FEEL that you made a difference in their morning. That was such a reward to my heart. So, thank you for the message, and for thinking me worthy of it and taking the time to do it.

I have a birthday coming up, my 40th....and I keep getting asked, "how are you handling the arrival of 40?"  I'm handling it just fine, as a matter of fact, I am actually pretty grateful. I mean, let's just be honest, there are people who don't make it to see 40 years of life, people who are alive, but aren't really living they are merely existing; I am going to be 40 years old, and have lived my life, am living my life! I enjoy each day, I live it like it is a gift, (even though sometimes I have to be reminded) I don't feel like I am 40 in the sense that I am old, but yes, I have lived and experienced 40 years of life for sure, and I am so thankful for it!

I am throwing a kick ass party this weekend, halloween costumes, my great friends and family, and even though for a moment I wallowed in self pity because ~boo hoo I have to plan my own party~ I soon realized that being able to plan my party and do it the way I want it, is a gift too :) And the truth is? I have always been the party planner, it's just something I'm good at, and something I truly enjoy doing for those in my life. So today, I have been pondering what I will give myself this year; a mani/pedi day? An outfit perhaps? Hmmmm....I don't know yet, but I know that I will enjoy whatever I decide!

The point of this "mindful moment" today is that I woke to this day feeling loved, blessed and cared for. I have some great people in my world, and even those who challenge me are cherished because they too offer me learning and growth opportunities. Something has changed in me again lately, my spirit feels so free, my heart so full of love, I feel like so much has just been lifted from my shoulders, like I have just let it all wash away and just know that whatever will be, is what's meant to be. I have been dancing again, literally!  Just good ole' living room, candle-light dancing to some of my favorite music, it just feels good to be in the drivers seat in my life, it feels good to be ME. I feel so much love and appreciation from my son lately, it seems that absence really does make the heart grow fonder (and I think he misses his mom).  I am so proud of him, so blessed by his presence in my life, and just so honored to be so loved and respected by him.  And let me not forget the amazing and beautiful Taurus in my life. My baby girl. I see her changing inside and out, growing, learning, stretching her wings, and she amazes me with her spirit and tenacity. And admittedly, sometimes she scares me too, because I see her dad and myself in her, in some of the ways I wish she wouldn't have picked up so well...Stubbornness can be a good thing though, at least that's what I will keep telling myself!

It's time to move on for the day; May we all be blessed, loved and Appreciated! God Bless!

~Peace

The "Good Stuff"

Kenny Chesney, the sexy little country singer, sings about the "good stuff"  and how it isn't the material stuff, the tangible things, but instead, it's the things in life that cannot be bought.
Over the past couple of years, I have learned about the "good stuff" more and more, and learned to appreciate it a little more than I used to. GOD has Blessed me with so many wonderful experiences, and so many amazing people along the way, but the most important gifts I have ever received are the two people I cherish more than life itself, my children.
Since the day they were born, they were first in my heart, deeply embedded in my soul from the moment I knew that they were depending upon the strength and well being of my body to nourish and nurture them, and when they came into this world and looked into my eyes for the first time, I knew then and there that I would never know love like that anywhere else in this world.

Those precious people are growing up, maturing, exploring new ventures in life, finding themselves and experiencing the ups and downs of being part of this journey called life, but always, somehow, they come back to me, even if just for a moment to let me know that no matter how far they go, they will never be ~too far~ to come back.  I have often felt like a mother bird, pushing her young out of the nest, because it's time for them to fly and learn on their own. and my worst fear was that I would push them out, and that they wouldn't remember the way home once they left the nest; that I would somehow become part of the background of their past, but that isn't so. I've learned that the foundation we created together with our tears, our laughter, our trust in one another and our undying love and devotion, is forever, it's the "good stuff".

A house is only a house, sometimes; it's just a shelter from the weather, and although I am thankful for the shelter, I miss the "home." Without the kids, even the cats feel the empty echoes as we just move through our routine day to day.  Tomorrow, this house is going to be full of laughter, and silly banter, noise and commotion; LIFE, and I can't wait. I get to meet my sons new girlfriend, one of his best friends for so long now, someone who has been spoken of with a huge smile on his face, and I hear his words to me, "you're going to love her, Mom", and I can't help but be excited about her because of the happiness I hear in my young mans voice when he talks about her. I am taking a trip with these kids and their friends to Six Flags this weekend, and I know that it is just the medicine I need to heal so much that's been raw and hurting inside of me lately.  I wonder if they know how their joy is my joy, how when they smile and laugh, I feel like all is right with the world. I don't think they will fully understand it until they are in my shoes, and that's okay, it's just the way it all works, the coming full circle cycle.
I look around me at the state of things with people sometimes and see the chaos and heartache between parents and children, and it hurts my heart, for the parents and for the kids. If I could give a gift to the world, it would be to know this love that Dustin and Danielle have graced my life with, in their own lives. Many times people  have questioned us, misunderstood us, and tried to redirect us into ways they thought were "better," but we stayed our course and weathered life together, intact and strong. When they come to me now and want my advice, or my opinion, or even my blessing, I can't help but feel so thankful because I know that they wouldn't do that if they didn't have Faith in me, and trust in the person that I am and have always been in their lives, and that in doing so, they are giving Me a gift.

I don't remember when I have looked so forward to a house full of people, to chatter, to clutter on the coffee table, and dishes in the sink; but I am so excited to share this time with these young men and women, and to laugh and have fun with them; and most of all, I am just so looking forward to having the main ingredients back that turn a simple house into a warm and loving home; my heart and my soul; my children.

Yea, that's the "Good Stuff.........."

Chesney Video

The Lost Art of Seduction

This is a topic that has swirled around in my brain for years, it ebbs and wanes, but never leaves; perhaps because it's something that we encounter far too little of when we are really honest with ourselves about it, and even sadder is that there will be some who will read this and realize that maybe they have never felt it; seduction and passion. I can't imagine, but I know very well that those people are out there, because some of them are in my life.

I personally, crave it, need it, and won't do without it, Period. Maybe it's the Scorpio in me that lives and dwells in intensity and high level emotion, or maybe it's the soft feminine part of me; I don't know, I only know that I can't live without it. I have walked away from well meaning men in my life because they didn't know how to seduce or evoke that passion in me, let alone in themselves. I used to feel bad about it; used to, as in I no longer do, and will not ever again, because there is nothing wrong with wanting a man "with a slow hand" as the Pointer Sisters so beautifully sang. Why? Because as humans we crave that contact with another, we have an animalistic desire to be ravished passionately, even though many of us aren't aware of that craving. Do you know how I know though? Soap operas, romance novels, love stories in Hollywood etc., that are making hoards of money because we can't get enough of it..we are a society that feeds off of other people's passion(s), and I think it's because we are either too ashamed/embarrassed to admit that the need lurks within us as well, or because we are just afraid of it. And then there are some of us, who watch romantic movies, absorbed in love scenes, because it's a place we have been and long to be again, so we fill a void through watching it on the big screen; but oftentimes, it's a stark reminder of the holes in our own lives, and that stings a bit, doesn't it? Bittersweet is what it is.
There is a difference between good sex and passionate seductive emotional sex; anyone who has experienced it knows what I'm saying here, right? What is "good sex"? Is it simply sex where the end result is an O or two? For me, that answer is Yes. But, GREAT, Passionate, Seductive Sex? Whew! That, my friends, is a damn Art-form, and one that is all too easily overlooked in this rushed world of ours. It isn't just men that are guilty of it, we are too; sometimes because I think we look at men as "un-errogenous", but men have more than just one spot on their bodies that gets them heated, trust that, it's just a matter of how much time you will take to find out. Along with the art of seduction is the art of communicating; " I hear you, I see you."
We have to stop being afraid of telling each other what we want, what we need and desire, and especially, what we fantasize about! We have to open up and express ourselves! We aren't living in the 1800's anymore, our sexuality is part of us, part of our lives, part of health regimen! (Or at least it SHOULD be!)
And just as important as "asking for it" is being able to hear it as well. Our ego's are sometimes fragile, and instead of hearing our lover ask for more of this or that, or a "hey can we try this," we hear that we aren't doing it right, or good enough, or long enough etc, and when we hear things in that manner, we shut down and become defensive, and then so does our partner.

I think it's important for me to point out here that I am not referring to a completely physical sense of seduction and passion; I am talking more about  mental, psychological seduction. And perhaps, it's fair to say that what might be mentally stimulating for me, won't work for the next person and vice versa. I think the people behind the Kama Sutra had something, because the Kama Sutra is all about mental stimulation, patience,  & learning to be still and quiet enough to hear your partner as well as yourself, without speaking. Below is a piece of writing I wrote quite some time ago, but when I looked at it today, it fit this blog, so I wanted to add it in....

MIND GAMES

"Tantra is not just about what happens after you strip off your drawstring pants:

It’s about yielding to a vulnerability that goes beyond that of physical nakedness, and admitting to a lack that many have but few fess up to. It’s about elevating sex to more than just bouncing on the bed springs."

Have you ever thought about that moment when your eyes meet his/hers across a room and you can feel electricity course through your body? It isn’t something that happens between all couples, I’ve learned that, it happens when there is a connection so deeply embedded in you that you just know the thoughts and desires of your partner by simply looking into their eyes. Maybe that’s about trust, maybe its real love, genuine friendship or a beautiful combination of all of that, but whatever it is, it’s something you never forget and something you long for everyday for the rest of your life if you are lucky enough to experience it, and then lose it.

It basically has nothing to do with the physical fulfillment of sex, it’s so much deeper than that, so much more meaningful than that, and I wonder how many of us really ever understand it?  Put in simple terms, it’s Mind Sex, and I think the Dead Prez said it all best. (if you don’t know what I’m talking about, I highly recommend you look them up and listen to MIND SEX)

 I imagine it’s the deepest level of intimacy in existence; an intercourse beyond anything the body alone can achieve; a mental orgasm that promises to make the physical one exceed all known limits and expectations.  Let’s face it, humans, esp. the males of our species (sorry guys) are not very patient when it comes to much of anything, let alone sex. We’re conditioned to be so consumed with the end result that we have no idea of the journey that’s possible before that point; but I want to learn it, I want to know what that is. I feel as though I NEED to know. The beauty of the Tantric is;  The raw realness, the trust, the connection, and the simple and basic need to be known so completely, to feel safe enough to be vulnerable without limits, and to know your partner just as equally?  Hmmmmm.

 Think about the seemingly simple act of kissing; or is it simple?  I dare say not. There is nothing simple about a kiss to me. In a moment, I’m giving you my breath, and I’m asking for yours, it’s an exchange, but more even than that, think about the way his or her lips feel against yours in that first moment when they touch, the softness, a bit of shyness maybe, and then an intimate exploration done mouth to mouth. I don’t want to be swallowed by a kiss, nor overpowered; I want to feel a sense of gentle surrender between him and me. I want to feel his love for me in that kiss, Love without urgency and orgasmic promise, just Love and passion; the answer to the question, if you will. Kisses like that are rare, and something to behold. There is so much I could say about kissing.

Seduction and Passion- connection, patience, ambiance. A lover that will light candles, run your bath, put on some mood music and then touch you from head to toe slowly as tho he (or she) is savoring every inch of you like a fine wine, wanting to memorize every curve of you. It's love and connection that you "feel" without words, his touch tells you about his love and adoration for you, his kiss strips away your fears and opens you up to him like a blossom under the springtime sun; THAT is seduction; slow burning, patient seduction; and then when you have surrendered to him (her), that is when the passion truly ignites.

What You Should Know

You know those coffee clutch conversations that you have with your girlfriends; the ones where male bashing is the predominant topic of chatter, followed by how unruly the kids are? Well, I have been part of, and been witness to, many of those over the 40 years of my life, and have suddenly realized how educating and enlightening they can be!
The conversations change with the ages of the participants, but some underlying things stay the same; male bashing and parenting woes. I can speak to both, have lived and learned, won and lost and have encountered some extraordinary people and stories along the way.

I'm going to touch on male bashing with this one because I don't think men are listening (still), and I know how important it is to feel not only heard, but "seen" with the men in our lives. I watched an episode of "Parenthood" last week, a show that depicts family life and struggle so eloquently, i love it, but i digress. The Parents of all these grown children, are going through some bumps in the road, and are now in marriage counseling; one of the things that gets repeated from him to her throughout when they begin to disagree and he isn't listening to her is, "I hear you, I see you." And in that moment the argument de-escalates. She knows he is aware of what's going on and she is satisfied because he actually DID SOMETHING about it and let her know that he respected her.

I hear men, including my father and brothers, talk about women "nagging"...Hell, I can remember that being one of my ex-husbands issues with me, "You nag me!" Yes, men, we tend to, and Im going to tell you why- dealing with a man sometimes is like dealing with a child, we can say something once and it falls on deaf ears, we say it twice and maybe get a glance in our direction so that we know you heard us, but still nothing gets done. Usually by the 3rd time we are frustrated and agitated and know that we really need to get your attention, keep your attention and stay diligent until said issue is completed. (Fixing that leaky faucet per-say) Women don't want to nag, we are forced into it because most men just don't respond to a simple, "Honey can you....." Unless of course they hear the mention of sex, well, then you can bet they will move on it fast! Ack.
And guys, do you know that when you give your lady a kiss,or a hug...that it does NOT necessarily mean that she is going to drop her pants and lay it on ya right then and there? It might just mean that she enjoys the affection with her man, PERIOD. That is something I have heard from more women then I can tell you. A women will begin to shy away from that affection with her man outside of the bedroom if she feels like that's where it has to lead every time! Sometimes, we just want to be held, touched, kissed or hugged without anything else being asked or expected! Imagine that, wow.
Want to damn near guarantee some fun between the sheets with your lady though? CLEAN the house, or take the kids for a day and let her have some time to herself; talk about an aphrodisiac!
I'm just beginning with this whole thing, there are so many things on my mind, life, love, relationships, family, just everything in general. SO, I'll be back, stay tuned :)