I went to a second interview today at a place, and feel like I have a pretty good shot at the job. Not a job I really WANT, but a job nonetheless...I was told by both interviewers that they liked my personality, and used words like, "Engaging, energetic and sweet".....Engaging? I don't think I have ever been accused of that one before; Energetic? Ummm, yea, if they knew how I was feeling inside that would be the last word they would choose. I'm having a rough couple of weeks again, in and out of darkness in my mind, wondering about my direction, or moreso my lack of these days.
The funny thing is that I was walking around my house noticing how crooked some of the pictures on my walls are, and I had to laugh right out loud because I thought it highly ironic that those crooked pictures seemed to represent ME all of a sudden. I feel like I am off balance, dizzy...not literally, at least not all the time. One minute you can be on top of the world, feeling like you have things mapped out and know what to do, where to go and how you're going to get there, then suddenly some person or thing happens and pulls the rug right out from underneath you. Bastards.
I'm mad lately, and I'm even mad about being mad!
I see and encounter people all around me that are so willing to toy with other people's emotions, so willing to take take take, while they hoard their own emotions or heart from those who they take so freely from.
I was always taught to treat others as I want to be treated, and I have done my best to do that....but I think I am changing it up for awhile and I am going to just treat people exactly how they treat me and see how it makes people feel. Maybe a wake up call for the world is in order. I'm sick of being nice, sick of being forgiving and sick of seeing the best in people. I'm just going to see the world for what it is....a steaming pile of manure!
Yea, today I'm angry and I just can't find the will to fight it right now, I'm going to just indulge it for a moment, this too shall pass.
I Hope.
Showing posts with label LIFE. Show all posts
Showing posts with label LIFE. Show all posts
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
If Nothing Could Stop You.....
The question is WHAT HOLDS YOU BACK? Where would you go, and what would you do if there was nothing to get in the way?
The answer is, that only you can answer that, and truthfully, I wonder how many of us really know what holds us back. I've learned along the way, and even though I know, it doesn't always help me to prevent it from stopping me from doing something or going somewhere new. The knowing is half the battle though, that's the good news. Arent you glad there was some good news? The bad news is that YOU have to take the steps necessary to change the barriers around you, by first identifying what they are, and how you let them affect you or inhibit you. Is that really bad news? No, I don't think so, just kinda scary, isn't it; to think that the power of change is within YOU, and that YOU have to DO it? There is no button to push or someone else to call upon to make it happen, it's all up to YOU.
I remember the day I read that statement in a book about embracing fear, and it gave me such a feeling of immense power because it made me feel like everything I wanted, or didn't want, in my life was within my ability to change! Wow, what an amazing insight!
I identified a few things in myself at that time...that my biggest obstacle in my life was FEAR. Okay," Great, I thought, now I know!" Yea, uh, but now what? How do I just stop being afraid? What am I afraid of? (did you notice that I said that in present tense? Umm, that's because as much as I would like to proclaim to not be afraid anymore, I still am sometimes.)
But, through life experience and time, I have learned something about fear. It's healthy when used properly! Let me try to explain this, if you're standing in a dark alley in a bad part of town and your fear radar is blaring in your head, that's your intuition and common sense telling you to get the hell outta there! On the other hand, if you're falling in love persay, fear is not something you want to get in your head too much. Still following me? There is such a thing as caution and we should all heed caution when necessary, but allowing full blown fear to interfere in our lives is just downright dangerous; seriously.
I was married to a man who was always scared, scared of the "what ifs", scared of the unknown, scared of things he couldn't control, everything! So afraid in fact that he talked himself right into his miserable existence, everything he feared became his reality. How many people do we all know like that? People who are so caught up in their fear of being alone, fear of being poor, my goodness the list could go on and on, right? The Law of Attraction in the Universe states that like thoughts attract like thoughts. Wow, imagine that! So when we feed our irrational fears, or dwell on the negative *what ifs* in life, we are bringing them to us in essence. Now that is a powerful thought isn't it? If you want good things and good experiences in your life, you have to let go of the negative self talk, the negative fears, and all of the old pages in the book of YOU, and start talking to yourself with positive thoughts, brave thoughts! Rewrite those pages of your life, each day is a clean, empty page! What's holding you back now?
Funny story; when I was 14 years old, we took a class trip to Great America. I had never ridden a roller coaster, although I had thoughts about them,I never really imagined I would be brave enough to try. I got in line for this loopty dee Loop roller coaster at the coaxing of my well meaning, fearless friends; I was terrified as I watched that ride whiz through the loops, upside down, down steep drops, at this point, I was sweating, shaking, but even worse than my fear of that demon roller coaster, was my fear of my friends seeing how afraid I was! So I kept moving with them through the line, getting closer and closer to the loading area, where my life would most likely come to an end. . Dramatic? Yea, well you should have told that to the 180 mile an hour heartbeat in my chest! At the last second, I considered bailing out, I thought very very seriously about not caring what the hell anyone thought of me, but I was 14, of course I cared what my friends thought of me, I mean, DUH! Peer pressure is a real bitch, isn't it?
I got on the Tidal Wave at Six Flags Great America in 1984, and have been a roller coaster junkie ever since! Matter of fact, we rode that ride 4 times in a row that day, I couldn't get enough. A few years ago, my kids and some friends and I conquered the biggest, fastest rc at Six Flags now, after watching it for 2 years in a row and being too chicken to get on it. We not only rode it once, we rode it twice, and the second time, we even put our hands in the air!
The point is? I found out that I have a very adventurous spirit within me; a spirit that loves to overcome what I think is trying to stop me, a desire to be triumphant over my fear. I have traveled to new places, met new people, I have taken chances. Now and then, we discover that a chance we took didn't turn out exactly like we had hoped, or like we had pictured, but even in those experiences there was something to learn and a reason you experienced it. You have to believe that, otherwise, what is life really about? What is all this for, if not to teach us, and to open up opportunities for us to teach as well?
I'm not perfect, nor do I have all of this down to a science, fear still grips me sometimes, but not as much, and not in regards to as many things as it used to. I have so much left to accomplish, so many things I want to bring to fruition in my life, and in the lives of others; I want to love without fear, I want to trust without so much fear attached to it, and I will, this I am sure of, baby steps.
No one can conquer it for you, they can be with you, but ultimately YOU have to do it. So what's stopping you; holding you back; keeping you from the life you want and desire? Isn't it time to figure it out? No time like the present! Conquer your "roller coaster!"
Think it! Feel it! See it! It's waiting for you :)
The answer is, that only you can answer that, and truthfully, I wonder how many of us really know what holds us back. I've learned along the way, and even though I know, it doesn't always help me to prevent it from stopping me from doing something or going somewhere new. The knowing is half the battle though, that's the good news. Arent you glad there was some good news? The bad news is that YOU have to take the steps necessary to change the barriers around you, by first identifying what they are, and how you let them affect you or inhibit you. Is that really bad news? No, I don't think so, just kinda scary, isn't it; to think that the power of change is within YOU, and that YOU have to DO it? There is no button to push or someone else to call upon to make it happen, it's all up to YOU.
I remember the day I read that statement in a book about embracing fear, and it gave me such a feeling of immense power because it made me feel like everything I wanted, or didn't want, in my life was within my ability to change! Wow, what an amazing insight!
I identified a few things in myself at that time...that my biggest obstacle in my life was FEAR. Okay," Great, I thought, now I know!" Yea, uh, but now what? How do I just stop being afraid? What am I afraid of? (did you notice that I said that in present tense? Umm, that's because as much as I would like to proclaim to not be afraid anymore, I still am sometimes.)
But, through life experience and time, I have learned something about fear. It's healthy when used properly! Let me try to explain this, if you're standing in a dark alley in a bad part of town and your fear radar is blaring in your head, that's your intuition and common sense telling you to get the hell outta there! On the other hand, if you're falling in love persay, fear is not something you want to get in your head too much. Still following me? There is such a thing as caution and we should all heed caution when necessary, but allowing full blown fear to interfere in our lives is just downright dangerous; seriously.
I was married to a man who was always scared, scared of the "what ifs", scared of the unknown, scared of things he couldn't control, everything! So afraid in fact that he talked himself right into his miserable existence, everything he feared became his reality. How many people do we all know like that? People who are so caught up in their fear of being alone, fear of being poor, my goodness the list could go on and on, right? The Law of Attraction in the Universe states that like thoughts attract like thoughts. Wow, imagine that! So when we feed our irrational fears, or dwell on the negative *what ifs* in life, we are bringing them to us in essence. Now that is a powerful thought isn't it? If you want good things and good experiences in your life, you have to let go of the negative self talk, the negative fears, and all of the old pages in the book of YOU, and start talking to yourself with positive thoughts, brave thoughts! Rewrite those pages of your life, each day is a clean, empty page! What's holding you back now?
Funny story; when I was 14 years old, we took a class trip to Great America. I had never ridden a roller coaster, although I had thoughts about them,I never really imagined I would be brave enough to try. I got in line for this loopty dee Loop roller coaster at the coaxing of my well meaning, fearless friends; I was terrified as I watched that ride whiz through the loops, upside down, down steep drops, at this point, I was sweating, shaking, but even worse than my fear of that demon roller coaster, was my fear of my friends seeing how afraid I was! So I kept moving with them through the line, getting closer and closer to the loading area, where my life would most likely come to an end. . Dramatic? Yea, well you should have told that to the 180 mile an hour heartbeat in my chest! At the last second, I considered bailing out, I thought very very seriously about not caring what the hell anyone thought of me, but I was 14, of course I cared what my friends thought of me, I mean, DUH! Peer pressure is a real bitch, isn't it?
I got on the Tidal Wave at Six Flags Great America in 1984, and have been a roller coaster junkie ever since! Matter of fact, we rode that ride 4 times in a row that day, I couldn't get enough. A few years ago, my kids and some friends and I conquered the biggest, fastest rc at Six Flags now, after watching it for 2 years in a row and being too chicken to get on it. We not only rode it once, we rode it twice, and the second time, we even put our hands in the air!
The point is? I found out that I have a very adventurous spirit within me; a spirit that loves to overcome what I think is trying to stop me, a desire to be triumphant over my fear. I have traveled to new places, met new people, I have taken chances. Now and then, we discover that a chance we took didn't turn out exactly like we had hoped, or like we had pictured, but even in those experiences there was something to learn and a reason you experienced it. You have to believe that, otherwise, what is life really about? What is all this for, if not to teach us, and to open up opportunities for us to teach as well?
I'm not perfect, nor do I have all of this down to a science, fear still grips me sometimes, but not as much, and not in regards to as many things as it used to. I have so much left to accomplish, so many things I want to bring to fruition in my life, and in the lives of others; I want to love without fear, I want to trust without so much fear attached to it, and I will, this I am sure of, baby steps.
No one can conquer it for you, they can be with you, but ultimately YOU have to do it. So what's stopping you; holding you back; keeping you from the life you want and desire? Isn't it time to figure it out? No time like the present! Conquer your "roller coaster!"
Think it! Feel it! See it! It's waiting for you :)
Depression or an Off Day?
The more I read, the more I realize how afflicted we are with this "dis"ease. We are a society consumed with stress, worry, prejudice, political correctness and an "all about ME" attitude. Long gone are the days when your neighbors just wave and smile *just because*, long gone are the days when our kids could run around the neighborhood until well past dark playing with friends, because now we have to worry about them being assaulted or abducted. We are two parent families working to survive, we are single parent homes trying to just keep food on the table and a roof over our heads, we're so stuck in survival mode that we don't have time to have fun anymore! Stop and smell the roses? Are you kidding me? Who the hell has time to stop and smell flowers, I need to get to my next appointment, or drop the kids off at this or that; YOU smell flowers, I just don't have time!
I used to take such joy in simple things in life, and now it just feels like everything is a struggle, another hill to climb, yet another obstacle to overcome. How sad is it that I have to work to find joy in simply being alive on some days? It comes out of nowhere most of the time, it sneaks up and lurks around corners just waiting for some random little thing to upset my balance, because then I at least have something to blame this icky feeling on, a reason that makes some kind of sense.
What if the cold hard truth is, that there are just days I wake up and dont give a damn about anything and can't explain why? *Gasp* Yea, I said it. I dont know WHY, I only know that I feel it. Is it something chemically off in me? Or is it just that once in awhile life just gets a bit overwhelming and the *overload* switch goes off in my head and says "ALERT! Retreat! Hide!" I'm going with the latter. I'm not a depressed person, I'm not unhappy or negative, actually quite the opposite, really, but I have limits and I can be pushed too far now and then. Sue me.
Now don't get me wrong, there is a serious issue of depression out there, a condition that is a medical/psychological condition, and nothing irks me more than to hear someone tell a depressed person that its all in their head. I would just love to give those people 60 minutes inside the mind and psyche of a person gripped with a dark depression, and then when they beg for release, see how they quickly change that stupid psycho babble bs. But I wonder if we're becoming too medicated? I am thankful for the drugs that make life bearable for those people who suffer from real and genuine depression caused by an imbalance in their brain; but I'm worried that if we don't learn to decipher between real depression and just an off day, that we are going to medicate ourselves into oblivion and miss the ride!
I get up each day thankful for a new chance, but there are some days that I also apologize to myself and to my Higher Power for not feeling like its such a great freakin' gift that I had to get outta bed and deal with the world or be a responsable human being. I am a BLESSED woman, truly, I have some of the most amazing friends that care about me and for me when I am in need, I have a nice place to live and we're never without food in our bellies, I drive a car that I enjoy having, and I have been gifted with a kind heart. BUT! There are just some days that I don't give a damn about those things, because life just stinks right then!
And it's okay. IT'S OKAY!!! Did you hear me? We are human, we falter, we stumble, hell we fall flat on our faces sometimes; but we pick our asses up eventually and we dust ourselves off and we keep it movin'! THAT is what's important. We have to stop beating ourselves up for not feeling gratitude ALL the time, or for not realizing for a moment how lucky we are; it's okay dammit, just don't get lost in there, come back out!
you haven't heard the last from me on this subject, stay tuned...
I used to take such joy in simple things in life, and now it just feels like everything is a struggle, another hill to climb, yet another obstacle to overcome. How sad is it that I have to work to find joy in simply being alive on some days? It comes out of nowhere most of the time, it sneaks up and lurks around corners just waiting for some random little thing to upset my balance, because then I at least have something to blame this icky feeling on, a reason that makes some kind of sense.
What if the cold hard truth is, that there are just days I wake up and dont give a damn about anything and can't explain why? *Gasp* Yea, I said it. I dont know WHY, I only know that I feel it. Is it something chemically off in me? Or is it just that once in awhile life just gets a bit overwhelming and the *overload* switch goes off in my head and says "ALERT! Retreat! Hide!" I'm going with the latter. I'm not a depressed person, I'm not unhappy or negative, actually quite the opposite, really, but I have limits and I can be pushed too far now and then. Sue me.
Now don't get me wrong, there is a serious issue of depression out there, a condition that is a medical/psychological condition, and nothing irks me more than to hear someone tell a depressed person that its all in their head. I would just love to give those people 60 minutes inside the mind and psyche of a person gripped with a dark depression, and then when they beg for release, see how they quickly change that stupid psycho babble bs. But I wonder if we're becoming too medicated? I am thankful for the drugs that make life bearable for those people who suffer from real and genuine depression caused by an imbalance in their brain; but I'm worried that if we don't learn to decipher between real depression and just an off day, that we are going to medicate ourselves into oblivion and miss the ride!
I get up each day thankful for a new chance, but there are some days that I also apologize to myself and to my Higher Power for not feeling like its such a great freakin' gift that I had to get outta bed and deal with the world or be a responsable human being. I am a BLESSED woman, truly, I have some of the most amazing friends that care about me and for me when I am in need, I have a nice place to live and we're never without food in our bellies, I drive a car that I enjoy having, and I have been gifted with a kind heart. BUT! There are just some days that I don't give a damn about those things, because life just stinks right then!
And it's okay. IT'S OKAY!!! Did you hear me? We are human, we falter, we stumble, hell we fall flat on our faces sometimes; but we pick our asses up eventually and we dust ourselves off and we keep it movin'! THAT is what's important. We have to stop beating ourselves up for not feeling gratitude ALL the time, or for not realizing for a moment how lucky we are; it's okay dammit, just don't get lost in there, come back out!
you haven't heard the last from me on this subject, stay tuned...
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