Have you ever felt like you're waiting to exhale? I remember the movie from what seems like ages ago, and the title has always struck me; perhaps because I feel like I have spent so much of my life in those "waiting to exhale" moments. Times where life feels like its just consuming and overwhelming me, and then suddenly I realize that the simple act of taking a deep breath has been a luxury I haven't allowed myself; and I exhale and breathe in consciously, mindfully. It's amazing how a simple breath can bring you back to your Self, back to your own two feet.
I believe that poverty creates stress, depression and intense anxiety with overall life in general; hell, I don't just "believe" that, I know it! Jobs that we hate stress us and leave us feeling empty and useless inside, wondering what our purpose is, wondering how in the hell we are ever going to get where we need and want to be in life when we feel strapped down by financial limits, which seem to carry over into everything else.
I have been planning to get away for Diva Weekend for about a year now, looking forward to it but yet, stressing about money and whether it would be enough, stressing about school being done and my work caught up, stressing about driving the 8 hours alone etc...and the craziest part maybe? I stress about dying when away on trips, I leave with my house and things in order so that if it does happen, my children will always know how to proceed with things. THIS TIME however, I didn't even think about all that, the dying part, I mean. Somehow with my growing Faith in my Higher Power(s), I have learned to embrace life and accept death as part of it, and I have tried to instill this thought process to my children along the way as I have grown more solid in it myself; but I digress, this is not a story about dealing with death.
I have only ever taken a couple of trips alone where the distance was more than a few hours, and each time it challenged me to overcome fear, and panic inside, but in the end always resulted in a feeling of great accomplishment and pride that I had actually overcome them and Won. This trip was no exception to that. I had moments where panic started to set in and overwhelm me, and then I prayed harder, and step by step I made it to Detroit with no major issues or detours.
I met, for the first time face to face, a woman who has become a staple person in my life, a soul sister/friend/counselor/maternal person. A woman who embodies all of the qualities I admire in a woman, strength, independence, self assurance without arrogance, and just overall compassion and open mindedness. She is someone I call FAMILY, and someone that I love with all my heart. I feel like my life has been blessed with her presence in it, and I know that it was no accident that I met her online a year ago and instantly bonded over the miles between WI and NC. It was like coming together with an old friend after some time has passed, there was never a moment of awkwardness or skepticism on either part; it just seemed natural to be with her. I have lacked solid female relationships in my life, sometimes because I avoided them, sometimes because they just simply haven't been the kind of people that I have wanted to surround myself with; either way, I have had very few women in my life that I have trusted in and felt like I could truly call friends. Kay has been and will be, a woman of substance in my life, hopefully for as long as we both have breath in our lungs. I feel like she is a lifetime person for me.
The weekend was spent talking, laughing, sharing and comforting. We are all mothers, sisters, friends, daughters; we have all been wives and girlfriends. We have all experienced joy and pain. It was a weekend to come together with each other to provide the nurturing and counseling that only another woman can give us, the love and compassion that only women can understand it seems, and a chance to Exhale.
I was welcomed into the family, and was very quickly embraced as another "auntie" which made me smile from the inside out, I felt honored! I spent the weekend listening and observing them and me; I spent the weekend learning about the struggles of motherhood we all face, the challenges of relationships we endure and weather, and the love that women are so capable of for one another. As I write this, I am overcome with happiness inside, filled with emotion and so truly aware of the blessings of these women and their presence in my world over the past few days.
On the ride back as my journey began, I prayed for a safe trip; for Him/Her to be my hands on the wheel, my eyes, and my mind; to work through me, to envelop me with protection, and to guide everyone else around me on the roadways to be just as alert and aware of their actions so that we could travel safely down the highways to our destinations. I also added to that prayer a "please no rain through the loop in Chicago" because I knew that it would cause an already challenging situation to become even more-so for me, and to bring with it that feeling of fear and panic that I work so hard to avoid. The first thing that happened was immediate; I was at the gas station gassing up for the road when I asked a stranger about getting on the interstate, I knew that if I went back to where I came from I knew how to get on it, but from where I was sitting, I wondered about a closer jump-on place, so I asked...not only did the man explain how I could get on right from where we were, he actually drove ahead of me and led me right to the place I needed to exit onto the interstate. THANK YOU GOD moment number 2, (the first was when I opened my eyes to a new day). I do admit that for a moment I hesitated in following him and almost just back tracked back to where I had come from because that's what my directions from MapQuest specifically said. Ugh. Can we say trust issues? Bottom line though is that I did trust in him, and I feel that in that moment God/Goddess put him there for me.
Remember that I prayed for no rain in Chicago? Well, as I neared the Loop, the skies got darker and more threatening and sprinkles began to fall. I felt my heart rate go up, that cold sweat beginning, and I stopped and just prayed for the strength and focus to overcome whatever I had to face to get through this part of the trip, and to just keep me on the right track. There are actually lit up signs above the interstate as you approach the Loop to tell you how long you have before you get to it, which in and of itself made me laugh because of the panic it evoked in me, so it made me chuckle to think that they actually warned a person ahead of time that you were "9 minutes from the circle" as though we were entering into some other dimension or something!
My first thought as the rain began to pelt harder and harder against my windshield was, "are u kidding me right now? Is this some sort of cruel joke?" But those thoughts quickly changed to, "Ok, so you've laid out a challenge, a chance to overcome a fear in me, a moment to prove myself to My Self." Not only was it pouring down rain, the traffic was stopped and creeping in all 4 lanes. Stressful? No, it became a blessing in disguise instead. When I made the initial trip through the Chicago Loop just days prior, it was rush hour, sun shining, and cars moving at ridiculous speeds as they dodged in and out of lanes and caused severe anxiety in me. As I inched my way along in the rain this time, I felt comforted by the slow pace, the opportunity to focus on signage and directions I was supposed to be going etc...So yes, He gave me rain, but he softened the blow with the slower pace I was able to take to get through it. THANK YOU GOD moment number 3. That whole span of time spent driving that Loop changed something in me, in my mind and my heart; the gratitude I felt, and the Love that I knew was given to me by God/Goddess was immense and powerful! How glorious is it to feel so completely Blessed and Protected!
I thanked Him/Her every step of the way, with every mile I drove, and with each mile I became more and more filled with joy inside. The next little addition to my prayers were to at least let me have the home stretch be rain free so I could just open the windows, enjoy my music and complete my journey homeward. They heard me, and again granted me a gift of clearer skies and no rain shortly out of Milwaukee, I could only smile. There is nothing more powerful to me than having my Faith confirmed so blatantly, to the point that there is no denying the work being done in my life by God and Goddess. It's one thing for people to tell you that you are a "Blessed Person", it's another when you finally see it and believe it yourself. It's incredible and comforting. I pulled into my driveway bursting with contentment within, overflowing to all those I was in contact with in those moments, and simply happy to be home safe and sound and loved so deeply by The Father and Mother creators.
I never once thought about coming home to an empty house, or felt sad, but instead felt happy when I was greeted by my furry companion who I heard calling me from inside the house before the door was even opened, and who was overjoyed to see me when I made my entrance. THANK YOU GOD moment number 4.
I'm facing a lot of decisions in my life right now, big ones, choices that will affect the course of my life now and later, but one thing I am more sure of than ever is that all I have to do is keep a firm grip on Their hand and I will be delivered right where I need to and am supposed to, be. THANK YOU GOD moment number 5 :)
This was more than a Diva weekend, it was another life altering moment for me as a woman in this world, as a mother, as a friend,sister, daughter, partner; it was another element in the journey I live of discovering Me and those who I have chosen to surround myself with, and I am so very thankful for the maturity I have gained over time, the differences in what is and should be priorities in my life, and the contentment that keeps building and growing inside of me about life, Faith and all that goes with it.
THANK YOU GOD & GODDESS
Monday, May 30, 2011
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Say When
Do you remember the wrestling you did with your brothers and sisters or your best friend as a kid? Do you remember the moment when you either had them and they had to surrender, or they had you, and all you had to do was say, "Ok I give!"? Yea, well, that's kind of where I am right now, in a full nelson with life and just when I was ready to concede, the warm heart of a friend found me and brushed me off, encouraged me and convinced me to get back up and keep fighting the good fight.
I read a quote today that said, "Adversity introduces a man to himself", and I could only nod in agreement through the tears that were falling from my eyes because truer words have not been written. This isn't the first time in my life I have been bruised and tired, and I'm sure that it won't be the last either; and hell, it won't be the last time I cry or the last time I am brought to my knees emotionally; but in the midst of the struggle and the pain, I find Myself! I find out what I am made of, I find out what I am capable of, and I find out how strong I am. I am a strong woman on a journey of self discovery, a mother who loves with fierceness, a sister who loves with all my heart, and a daughter who is thankful each and everyday for the love given and received with my parents.
I am a woman bound and determined to change the world; even if that means one person at a time. I'm dedicated to fighting the good fight; I'm committed to putting positive out there in hopes that one day it will create the ripple effect that will turn into waves of positive love and light in our world.
There will always be forces at work trying to steal my thunder, people and experiences that will test my Faith, and negative energies that will dedicate themselves to putting out my light inside...and they can try, but one thing is for certain.....
I won't break. I won't give in or back down. You can't beat me.
Say when? No, I don't think so, not here, not now, not ever.
I think Bon Jovi said it best;
"When the world gets in my face I say....have a nice day!"
I read a quote today that said, "Adversity introduces a man to himself", and I could only nod in agreement through the tears that were falling from my eyes because truer words have not been written. This isn't the first time in my life I have been bruised and tired, and I'm sure that it won't be the last either; and hell, it won't be the last time I cry or the last time I am brought to my knees emotionally; but in the midst of the struggle and the pain, I find Myself! I find out what I am made of, I find out what I am capable of, and I find out how strong I am. I am a strong woman on a journey of self discovery, a mother who loves with fierceness, a sister who loves with all my heart, and a daughter who is thankful each and everyday for the love given and received with my parents.
I am a woman bound and determined to change the world; even if that means one person at a time. I'm dedicated to fighting the good fight; I'm committed to putting positive out there in hopes that one day it will create the ripple effect that will turn into waves of positive love and light in our world.
There will always be forces at work trying to steal my thunder, people and experiences that will test my Faith, and negative energies that will dedicate themselves to putting out my light inside...and they can try, but one thing is for certain.....
I won't break. I won't give in or back down. You can't beat me.
Say when? No, I don't think so, not here, not now, not ever.
I think Bon Jovi said it best;
"When the world gets in my face I say....have a nice day!"
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Journey.Above.Poverty
This one is for the Boss. The Head JAP.
Someday you'll read this Murph and you'll know how you affected me, how your infectious drive and will to succeed permeated my brain and oiled the rusty gears in my get-up-n-go. You inspire me, move me, motivate me, and I have only begun to know you.
Like rats in a maze we are...existing in our cubicle world, working in boxes that line row after row, close in proximity, but a million miles away from the person next to us most of the time, but one day you stood up and I listened to you talk about your music, and your goals and ambitions, my interest piqued and the intrigue into "Murph" began. I listened everyday to your conversations with others around us and found myself smiling because of the energy I felt from you, and then we spoke to one another. God does not have accidents, I was meant to talk to you that day, to know you beyond just being a face over the cubicle.
You became a welcome smile in the mornings, and in passing through out the day and the warmth of your being was a nice change from the cold world of the cubes. I knew you were someone I could trust in, someone I could call a friend, and sure enough when I asked for a favor, you picked up and came to my rescue to help, and then i really knew that you were all that you seemed and more.
I miss you already Man, but I can't help but smile because I see so clearly today why God connected us, even tho for a short time before you needed to make moves and be away...your going to be on that very small list of people who have pushed and inspired me when I release that first book, I promise you. Today you sparked something in me that you may never realize. I have known people who talk about Faith, but you...Wow. I've never known someone so brave, and so willing to just jump in headfirst to be true to the passion in your soul. I have NO doubt that your going to succeed, there is no other option because you have GOD in your heart to depths that many will never get. As I told you today, there is nothing you can't accomplish because your moving and shaking for all the right reasons, striving to live true to the gifts that the Creator gave you. God Bless you my friend, always....Shine that light, rap that song, change the world!
You've got a friend in me Boss....and I thank you from the depths of my being for taking the time to talk to me and share your dream and your Faith, and without even knowing or meaning to, for inspiring me to keep it moving and to not only not give up, but stop being blocked by fears and doubts, but instead to Leap, on nothing more than a pure and simple FAITH that all will be just as it needs to be; and for the reminder that if I don't nurture my dreams and paint them in vivid color, they will never be more than just dreams, because no one else is going to make them come true for me.
You picked a beautiful day for traveling, and I know that God will have your back all the way. Embrace the warmth of the sun, appreciate all the little things along the way, stop and smell the roses, and never stop believing in yourself.
~Be blessed
Someday you'll read this Murph and you'll know how you affected me, how your infectious drive and will to succeed permeated my brain and oiled the rusty gears in my get-up-n-go. You inspire me, move me, motivate me, and I have only begun to know you.
Like rats in a maze we are...existing in our cubicle world, working in boxes that line row after row, close in proximity, but a million miles away from the person next to us most of the time, but one day you stood up and I listened to you talk about your music, and your goals and ambitions, my interest piqued and the intrigue into "Murph" began. I listened everyday to your conversations with others around us and found myself smiling because of the energy I felt from you, and then we spoke to one another. God does not have accidents, I was meant to talk to you that day, to know you beyond just being a face over the cubicle.
You became a welcome smile in the mornings, and in passing through out the day and the warmth of your being was a nice change from the cold world of the cubes. I knew you were someone I could trust in, someone I could call a friend, and sure enough when I asked for a favor, you picked up and came to my rescue to help, and then i really knew that you were all that you seemed and more.
I miss you already Man, but I can't help but smile because I see so clearly today why God connected us, even tho for a short time before you needed to make moves and be away...your going to be on that very small list of people who have pushed and inspired me when I release that first book, I promise you. Today you sparked something in me that you may never realize. I have known people who talk about Faith, but you...Wow. I've never known someone so brave, and so willing to just jump in headfirst to be true to the passion in your soul. I have NO doubt that your going to succeed, there is no other option because you have GOD in your heart to depths that many will never get. As I told you today, there is nothing you can't accomplish because your moving and shaking for all the right reasons, striving to live true to the gifts that the Creator gave you. God Bless you my friend, always....Shine that light, rap that song, change the world!
You've got a friend in me Boss....and I thank you from the depths of my being for taking the time to talk to me and share your dream and your Faith, and without even knowing or meaning to, for inspiring me to keep it moving and to not only not give up, but stop being blocked by fears and doubts, but instead to Leap, on nothing more than a pure and simple FAITH that all will be just as it needs to be; and for the reminder that if I don't nurture my dreams and paint them in vivid color, they will never be more than just dreams, because no one else is going to make them come true for me.
You picked a beautiful day for traveling, and I know that God will have your back all the way. Embrace the warmth of the sun, appreciate all the little things along the way, stop and smell the roses, and never stop believing in yourself.
~Be blessed
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Room With A View
04/29/11
The world looks different from 8 floors up; less threatening somehow. As I sit here in this hospital room looking at my daughter sleeping, so tender and vulnerable she seems, it makes my heart ache. Had I been able to take this from her and carry the burden, I would have gladly, but life doesn't work that way does it; seems we all have our loads to bear as we make our way along.
I have been so sick myself over the past several months on and off of antibiotics, in and out of the ER and doctor offices, and honestly this bout with the staff infection and all of the issues and medication reactions left me feeling quite beaten and bruised,physically, emotionally and spiritually. I can say that there have been a few days when the fight just left me and I felt ready to just give in and give up. I'm not used to being needy and dependent, and through this I have had to surrender and ask for help, not one of my strong suits. :( I'm figuring out that maybe that was the plan all along...to teach me about surrender; to force me to relinquish some control. Whatever it is, or was, it created a defeated mindset in me for awhile because I know that everyone is struggling, everyone is going through something and coping and dealing with everyday life, and I didn't want to be one more thing for someone to have to "deal with."
Odd how the collective cosmic energies of the Universe, God/Goddess, our Angels, all of it/them, work together to create a response just when it's needed- Just when I feel like my body has completely betrayed me and is on the attack and I had been forgotten about by any and all Higher Powers in my life; that moment when I really just wanted to be still and quit; my baby girl got sick. I didn't realize the lesson in it immediately, I just knew that she needed me to take care of her, and as most any mother can attest to, something happens in us,no matter how sick or how tired we are, when our children need us.
Danielle and her bad gall bladder saved me, and I am sure she doesn't even have a clue. It wasn't that I didn't have a reason to fight before that, I just didn't feel any fight left until I had to rally my own strength and energy and be strong for her, to help her be alright and well. I'm sure my children have no idea how strong they make me, no matter how weak I feel. We have always been each others biggest cheerleaders, even when we don't see eye to eye, (and I don't mean because I'm so much shorter than them )
And in all of this, I once again see my own mother's strength and fight- the way she endlessly does anything and everything that she can for her family, taking care of us when we are down, sick, or hurt and battered by life. The tireless research that she does to find all of the good things she can to help us heal and be well overall; and it isn't just for us, her family that she does these things, it's for everyone in her life that comes to her and asks for help or advice, and I know that she probably thinks that none of us, her stubborn, independent, strong willed kids and grand kids,listen to a word she says, let alone actually DO what she is telling us, but I hope that she will realize that we do; sometimes we just wait until she isn't looking. Did I say that we are stubborn and strong willed? I for one, know that without her help, her time, and her advice through this fiasco I have been dealing with health wise, I would most likely not be as well as I am right now. So even though I bucked and got crabby off and on, she never quit and never let me down. I truly do thank God for my Mom.
And my friends? How do I begin to say thank you for the love and the prayers and the daily encouragement that was given to me, to us? I'm not sure how I will ever repay it, or do it justice, but know that in my heart and soul it will never ever be forgotten, and it was something I clung to everyday for support.
We don't always appreciate the people who sustain us along this journey- those whose very aura and energy uplifts us and motivates us when our own power supplies run low- But God knows who we need and when we need them.
May 1.2011
In 5 days my baby girl will be 18, a brand new phase of her life; and as I write this today, she is doing very well, healing up beautifully and coming fully back into her sassy, fun loving Self. I couldn't be happier. :) She amazes me with her strength and her perseverance, I stand in awe, Danielle....truly. You are just a phenomenal young woman. Thank you for BLESSING my life.
And I too, am coming back finally. Look out World! ;)
The world looks different from 8 floors up; less threatening somehow. As I sit here in this hospital room looking at my daughter sleeping, so tender and vulnerable she seems, it makes my heart ache. Had I been able to take this from her and carry the burden, I would have gladly, but life doesn't work that way does it; seems we all have our loads to bear as we make our way along.
I have been so sick myself over the past several months on and off of antibiotics, in and out of the ER and doctor offices, and honestly this bout with the staff infection and all of the issues and medication reactions left me feeling quite beaten and bruised,physically, emotionally and spiritually. I can say that there have been a few days when the fight just left me and I felt ready to just give in and give up. I'm not used to being needy and dependent, and through this I have had to surrender and ask for help, not one of my strong suits. :( I'm figuring out that maybe that was the plan all along...to teach me about surrender; to force me to relinquish some control. Whatever it is, or was, it created a defeated mindset in me for awhile because I know that everyone is struggling, everyone is going through something and coping and dealing with everyday life, and I didn't want to be one more thing for someone to have to "deal with."
Odd how the collective cosmic energies of the Universe, God/Goddess, our Angels, all of it/them, work together to create a response just when it's needed- Just when I feel like my body has completely betrayed me and is on the attack and I had been forgotten about by any and all Higher Powers in my life; that moment when I really just wanted to be still and quit; my baby girl got sick. I didn't realize the lesson in it immediately, I just knew that she needed me to take care of her, and as most any mother can attest to, something happens in us,no matter how sick or how tired we are, when our children need us.
Danielle and her bad gall bladder saved me, and I am sure she doesn't even have a clue. It wasn't that I didn't have a reason to fight before that, I just didn't feel any fight left until I had to rally my own strength and energy and be strong for her, to help her be alright and well. I'm sure my children have no idea how strong they make me, no matter how weak I feel. We have always been each others biggest cheerleaders, even when we don't see eye to eye, (and I don't mean because I'm so much shorter than them )
And in all of this, I once again see my own mother's strength and fight- the way she endlessly does anything and everything that she can for her family, taking care of us when we are down, sick, or hurt and battered by life. The tireless research that she does to find all of the good things she can to help us heal and be well overall; and it isn't just for us, her family that she does these things, it's for everyone in her life that comes to her and asks for help or advice, and I know that she probably thinks that none of us, her stubborn, independent, strong willed kids and grand kids,listen to a word she says, let alone actually DO what she is telling us, but I hope that she will realize that we do; sometimes we just wait until she isn't looking. Did I say that we are stubborn and strong willed? I for one, know that without her help, her time, and her advice through this fiasco I have been dealing with health wise, I would most likely not be as well as I am right now. So even though I bucked and got crabby off and on, she never quit and never let me down. I truly do thank God for my Mom.
And my friends? How do I begin to say thank you for the love and the prayers and the daily encouragement that was given to me, to us? I'm not sure how I will ever repay it, or do it justice, but know that in my heart and soul it will never ever be forgotten, and it was something I clung to everyday for support.
We don't always appreciate the people who sustain us along this journey- those whose very aura and energy uplifts us and motivates us when our own power supplies run low- But God knows who we need and when we need them.
May 1.2011
In 5 days my baby girl will be 18, a brand new phase of her life; and as I write this today, she is doing very well, healing up beautifully and coming fully back into her sassy, fun loving Self. I couldn't be happier. :) She amazes me with her strength and her perseverance, I stand in awe, Danielle....truly. You are just a phenomenal young woman. Thank you for BLESSING my life.
And I too, am coming back finally. Look out World! ;)
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