It seemed fitting to come and write something today....it's New Year's Eve Day, a momentous occasion in the world, the end of a decade, the experiences that become lasting memories in our minds and hearts, and the beginning of what we hope will be better times than the ones we are leaving behind.
I'm filled with mixed emotions as I prepare for this new year. I am starting a new job, diving deeper into my final year of a BA, and wondering, endlessly it seems at times, if I will ever find HIM, or if it will be me and the cats for the rest of my days. I love my cats and all, but I am sure hoping its not the latter!
I realized in a conversation with a friend today, that as we get older it's hilarious how our minds change about dating and futures with men. We're no longer looking at what kind of car they drove up in, we're just happy they HAVE a car! Okay, okay, all jokes aside....(you know that made you laugh tho....) The things that we long for are no longer buyable, we're less concerned with all the material stuff,and more interested in the quality of the man as we get older, because we have been through enough to recognize quality when we experience it, and we appreciate it as women of quality ourselves. They aren't easy to find though, those quality men, they're hidden by others who offer immediate gratification in one way or another, whether it be sexually or in some other way; and we want it NOW, so we reach out for the now answer. Well, while we're dancing some wildly emotional and off balance dance with that person, Quality is waiting quietly in the background, watching and wondering why we don't see him, right? And why don't we see him? Do you ever ask yourself that? I mean, hell of course you do! Any woman that has ever prayed for a "good man" asks herself that EVERY SINGLE TIME, Mr Now comes into our lives and hurts us, don't we? Be really honest with yourself now...
We live in a world of Now! Fast! Quick! So why would we treat our relationships any differently? We are human, we have desires, we have emotions and sometimes we just want them fed, even if that means picking the wrong person for a temporary fix. But, as we get older, we hopefully, (although definitely not true for everyone) come to realize how empty all of that is, and how it doesn't fill any voids or make us feel better about anything. We learn to pass up the Mr Now's, and we quietly wait for Quality to come along. We learn discernment; and I have figured out along the way that it has a lot to do with where we are within ourselves, because as we appreciate, love and respect ourselves more, we don't settle for others giving us anything less in return.
The most important things in relationships can't be bought, they have to be given from the heart. Truth, loyalty, devotion, commitment; those are all elements that need to be "felt", not just spoken, and people are afraid to expose themselves to each other, afraid to really "go all in" because it's been dark and scary in the past when they do that. So what does that leave us then? A lonely present, and a lonely future, because life IS scary! Love is scary! Even the love between parent and child, or best friends, is scary sometimes! But if we're never willing to just go all in for love again, we'll either be alone, or we'll keep distance between us and them so that we only ever have to give "so much", and that just seems like it would be lonely too, doesn't it?
If we spent even half the time loving and being happy as we do with worrying about getting hurt, the world would be a very different place, dont'cha think?
That's what really changes the game up as we get older; we're both carrying baggage now, we've both been through what can feel like lifetimes of bullshit, and neither of us has the energy for the game playing silliness that goes on, so we weed out the Now's while we smile and feel flattered they noticed us, and we stay rooted in place waiting for Quality, because we just know that he is out there....somewhere...we're pretty sure of it, right?
On the horizon for myself in 2011 is, to be less afraid and more brave; less stumbling and more slow and steady; less crying and a lot more laughing; less impatience and more Faith....
Hell, I wish it for all of us! Be Braver, Be more steady on your own two feet, in all the ways that are important in your life, and for goodness sake, LAUGH MORE! AND KEEP THE FAITH!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Friday, December 31, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
FAITH
There has been alot of questioning lately; not only around me, but within me, about what FAITH is, and how is it that people can have FAITH in times like these when the world feels like a rotting ball of .........well, of whatever you wanna call it.
I turned on my TV this morning to watch the Pastor from the church I attend, because good ole' Wisconsin weather has made it so that I cannot leave the house just yet. How ironic that I turn it on and find Pastor Gungor talking about FAITH. Here is where I suppose my own truth needs to be shared; I haven't been feeling very Faithful lately, I've dwelled more in doubt and uncertainty than I have in Faith. It hit me last night as I was telling a friend that I feel "breakable" that I have slipped into a very dark place in my own life, in my own heart, and then I listened to my own words and thoughts, the things I was sharing and felt shame because I have become something, someone, that I don't even want to know right now. People keep coming to me, friends looking for support, family just wanting to reach out and all I can think about is how quickly I can get beyond that moment, so that I can go back into my corner and sit alone and still; silently, with nothing more than just my own tears and hurt and doubt. I find myself lacking the desire to have a good conversation, but instead have resorted to smart ass jokes and meaningless chatter just to avoid discussing anything that might make me FEEL something inside, because feeling anything is the last thing I want to do right now!
TODAY IS A NEW DAY.
Pastor talked about Faith being a place in between doubt and certainty, a place where sometimes as human beings we waver because we want to believe, but we aren't sure. We can't SEE it, but we still FEEL like it's there. He talked about Jesus Christ saying to his people that they should eat from his flesh and drink from his blood, and people were confused because they didn't understand what he was talking about, and instead just heard the words and thought him strange for saying such things and they walked away leaving only the disciples standing there. Jesus asked them, "Why did you stay?" to which they replied, "Where are we going to go? We don't understand you or what you're doing right now, but....WE TRUST YOU." They had FAITH. As I listened to the message today, I understood that it's okay to waver now and then, it's okay to question this unseen power in my life, the important thing is whether or not I get back over to the side of certainty and regain my footing. And as I always have, I will; it might not be as fast as I want to, but I will get there.
I've begun to feel as though the idea of a solid, loving relationship with a man is not in my life's blueprint, because it sure isn't happening! I have tried, I know that I have put my heart out and I have given my love to people along the way, honestly believing they were just as committed to it as I was, truly feeling that they looked at me and felt all the same devotion and adoration that I did for them, and even so, I am sitting here alone. Don't get me wrong, I am not alone in the sense of being without love and kindness in my life, I have people who love me, care for me and about me, but I don't have that one special mate, my friend and companion to share life's journey with, and off and on, I feel like that empty place in my heart consumes me. We were not built to be alone, if that were the case, God would have only created Adam or Eve, not Adam AND Eve, right? Eve the animals went to the ark in pairs! We were created to love and be loved; and there is a yearning for that within us, some of us are just more intensely aware of it, some are afraid of it and so they cower in their own lives not wanting to give it, but so willing to take it; that can only last so long too. You cannot feed off of another's soul without giving nourishment back and expect that eventually the reservoir won't dry up on you. I am finding more and more people out there in the world who are so ready to fill their tank so to speak, so ready to be all about what THEY need, that they don't consider how any of it is or will, affect anyone else along the way. And more with each passing day, I find myself withdrawing from it all, sinking away from the idea of love and at times bordering on ill choices just to seek out the companionship that I so deeply crave in my life; thankfully, I have learned to love and respect myself enough that I don't have to make those choices in a moment of feeling lost, I instead, reach inside and grab onto that unseen, unheard "thing" that I call my FAITH, and I remind myself that maybe just because "I" think I am ready for it all to come into my life, I perhaps don't have the correct answer right now, and that I am instead on a journey that is leading me somewhere I need to be....maybe I am not ready for that man to come yet, maybe God feels like I have work to do in order to be open and accepting of a good man when he approaches me, because just maybe if he has or did come to me right now, my mind and heart are to laden with crap to be able to see him and be open to what he is offering me.
Back to FAITH. I don't understand where I am right now, I don't understand why, or what, or who; but what I do know beyond the shadow of a doubt is that when it feels like there is nothing left, no one left, I find HIM, and I feel my FAITH. Looking back in my life, I can recall life altering moments when I felt like I was standing on the edge of a cliff, teetering, unsure, scared, excited, not knowing whether to jump or stay, feeling like my feet were glued to the place I was standing, yet the wind was blowing so hard around me that it was causing me to bend and sway in it, making me realize that the glue under my feet didn't have to be stronger than the wind that was trying to blow me over the edge.....and in those moments that I jumped and let the wind carry me off the edge, LIFE HAPPENED, and rays of positive light and love exploded in and around me. I'm standing there right now....today I woke up and crawled out of the dark corner I was hiding in, because I realize that there is nothing there I haven't seen a million times and I am tired of the same scenery, I'm ready and hungry for change in my life, I am so ready and willing to step into the light and be the woman that I was created to be.
The hazard of change is that sometimes we have to take a good hard look at our environment, and just like an addict, we have to let go, move away from, remove ourselves from, people and places that don't contribute to our well being but instead keep us feening and lost. I have felt like a fish out of water too much lately, and it's time to step firmly back into my skin and take the hand of FAITH and keep moving forward, I've been here long enough. My beautiful Taurus baby said to me recently, "your not yourself anymore, you're just not happy like you usually are." That stung, but it was the reality of who I have allowed myself to become because I lost sight of my own soul, I lost my firm grip on FAITH'S hand...
TODAY IS A NEW DAY. I am thankful, and I am Blessed, and I am back on my feet.
**this is dedicated to all of us who question, to all of us wandering around feeling unsure right now...and most of all, it's dedicated to those very special few in my life who listen as I cry, those who absorb the darkness and shine light for me when I am not strong enough to do it myself; for that very sacred circle of love I have surrounded myself with. I know that all of you are going through your own trials, yet you never turn me away when I come to you broken and bleeding. Thank you for the love and healing that you give me just by being you and being in my life.**
I turned on my TV this morning to watch the Pastor from the church I attend, because good ole' Wisconsin weather has made it so that I cannot leave the house just yet. How ironic that I turn it on and find Pastor Gungor talking about FAITH. Here is where I suppose my own truth needs to be shared; I haven't been feeling very Faithful lately, I've dwelled more in doubt and uncertainty than I have in Faith. It hit me last night as I was telling a friend that I feel "breakable" that I have slipped into a very dark place in my own life, in my own heart, and then I listened to my own words and thoughts, the things I was sharing and felt shame because I have become something, someone, that I don't even want to know right now. People keep coming to me, friends looking for support, family just wanting to reach out and all I can think about is how quickly I can get beyond that moment, so that I can go back into my corner and sit alone and still; silently, with nothing more than just my own tears and hurt and doubt. I find myself lacking the desire to have a good conversation, but instead have resorted to smart ass jokes and meaningless chatter just to avoid discussing anything that might make me FEEL something inside, because feeling anything is the last thing I want to do right now!
TODAY IS A NEW DAY.
Pastor talked about Faith being a place in between doubt and certainty, a place where sometimes as human beings we waver because we want to believe, but we aren't sure. We can't SEE it, but we still FEEL like it's there. He talked about Jesus Christ saying to his people that they should eat from his flesh and drink from his blood, and people were confused because they didn't understand what he was talking about, and instead just heard the words and thought him strange for saying such things and they walked away leaving only the disciples standing there. Jesus asked them, "Why did you stay?" to which they replied, "Where are we going to go? We don't understand you or what you're doing right now, but....WE TRUST YOU." They had FAITH. As I listened to the message today, I understood that it's okay to waver now and then, it's okay to question this unseen power in my life, the important thing is whether or not I get back over to the side of certainty and regain my footing. And as I always have, I will; it might not be as fast as I want to, but I will get there.
I've begun to feel as though the idea of a solid, loving relationship with a man is not in my life's blueprint, because it sure isn't happening! I have tried, I know that I have put my heart out and I have given my love to people along the way, honestly believing they were just as committed to it as I was, truly feeling that they looked at me and felt all the same devotion and adoration that I did for them, and even so, I am sitting here alone. Don't get me wrong, I am not alone in the sense of being without love and kindness in my life, I have people who love me, care for me and about me, but I don't have that one special mate, my friend and companion to share life's journey with, and off and on, I feel like that empty place in my heart consumes me. We were not built to be alone, if that were the case, God would have only created Adam or Eve, not Adam AND Eve, right? Eve the animals went to the ark in pairs! We were created to love and be loved; and there is a yearning for that within us, some of us are just more intensely aware of it, some are afraid of it and so they cower in their own lives not wanting to give it, but so willing to take it; that can only last so long too. You cannot feed off of another's soul without giving nourishment back and expect that eventually the reservoir won't dry up on you. I am finding more and more people out there in the world who are so ready to fill their tank so to speak, so ready to be all about what THEY need, that they don't consider how any of it is or will, affect anyone else along the way. And more with each passing day, I find myself withdrawing from it all, sinking away from the idea of love and at times bordering on ill choices just to seek out the companionship that I so deeply crave in my life; thankfully, I have learned to love and respect myself enough that I don't have to make those choices in a moment of feeling lost, I instead, reach inside and grab onto that unseen, unheard "thing" that I call my FAITH, and I remind myself that maybe just because "I" think I am ready for it all to come into my life, I perhaps don't have the correct answer right now, and that I am instead on a journey that is leading me somewhere I need to be....maybe I am not ready for that man to come yet, maybe God feels like I have work to do in order to be open and accepting of a good man when he approaches me, because just maybe if he has or did come to me right now, my mind and heart are to laden with crap to be able to see him and be open to what he is offering me.
Back to FAITH. I don't understand where I am right now, I don't understand why, or what, or who; but what I do know beyond the shadow of a doubt is that when it feels like there is nothing left, no one left, I find HIM, and I feel my FAITH. Looking back in my life, I can recall life altering moments when I felt like I was standing on the edge of a cliff, teetering, unsure, scared, excited, not knowing whether to jump or stay, feeling like my feet were glued to the place I was standing, yet the wind was blowing so hard around me that it was causing me to bend and sway in it, making me realize that the glue under my feet didn't have to be stronger than the wind that was trying to blow me over the edge.....and in those moments that I jumped and let the wind carry me off the edge, LIFE HAPPENED, and rays of positive light and love exploded in and around me. I'm standing there right now....today I woke up and crawled out of the dark corner I was hiding in, because I realize that there is nothing there I haven't seen a million times and I am tired of the same scenery, I'm ready and hungry for change in my life, I am so ready and willing to step into the light and be the woman that I was created to be.
The hazard of change is that sometimes we have to take a good hard look at our environment, and just like an addict, we have to let go, move away from, remove ourselves from, people and places that don't contribute to our well being but instead keep us feening and lost. I have felt like a fish out of water too much lately, and it's time to step firmly back into my skin and take the hand of FAITH and keep moving forward, I've been here long enough. My beautiful Taurus baby said to me recently, "your not yourself anymore, you're just not happy like you usually are." That stung, but it was the reality of who I have allowed myself to become because I lost sight of my own soul, I lost my firm grip on FAITH'S hand...
TODAY IS A NEW DAY. I am thankful, and I am Blessed, and I am back on my feet.
**this is dedicated to all of us who question, to all of us wandering around feeling unsure right now...and most of all, it's dedicated to those very special few in my life who listen as I cry, those who absorb the darkness and shine light for me when I am not strong enough to do it myself; for that very sacred circle of love I have surrounded myself with. I know that all of you are going through your own trials, yet you never turn me away when I come to you broken and bleeding. Thank you for the love and healing that you give me just by being you and being in my life.**
Friday, December 3, 2010
Lost and Found
"Depression is a state of massive deception, distorting everything that is true about life and the world around you. Those of us who have had to face this demon have tried all we know how to break free. To rid ourselves of this dreadful disease, we try to smoke it out, sex it out, educate it out, counsel it out, medicate it out, shop it out, snort it out, shit it out. In the end, we find that no matter how much we do,or who we do it with, no external effort alone conquers depression. " (I Cant live like this Anymore!; Lilada Gee)
I came across this today as I was reading her book about surviving sexual abuse. She has the link to this blog, I'm hoping that she will read this and know that her words, her suffering, and her healing have touched someone else, and healed something in me as well.
When I started writing this today, my eyes were filled with tears, my loyal friends, Fear and Distrust, were sitting close by, and then suddenly my phone rang and it was a friend that I have met through some of the same work that I do with the sexual assault center. He called to tell me about his latest case, a family with three children, all of them walking home from an after-school program and were hit by a city bus, one of them dead. The words hit me like I was standing in front of that bus, the impact those images had on my mind was overwhelming, and all I could do was surrender to the tears that now fell like a steady rain down my face. Somewhere a mother was mourning the loss of her child; a child that would never return home, a child that she had to say goodbye to. Then the realization hit me about the tears that were streaming down my face; I felt her pain in all the ways that I could, with not knowing her experience, but even more than that, I felt my own pain inside for moments before feeling sorry for myself, and being dominated by fear; when the reality is and was, that my life is peaceful, and that my children are safe and sound, and that even though in this moment it feels like things are out of place and unsecured in my life, I have to know and believe that GOD is working right now. He worked when that phone rang and made me realize the gratitude I felt, the blessings I have, and the love that fills my life. I don't have money the way I want it, and I won't be out filling shopping carts for Christmas, but at the end of the day, I have all of the important things in life, the things that really truly matter, and the rest can be achieved with a little more Faith and Perseverance. I know I'm on the road that He has been guiding me to; sometimes I just get tripped up on my own feet and I stumble.
As each new breath fills my lungs, I am gifted with another chance to do the work in my life; I pray I don't waste anymore time on self pity and loathing; but instead rise to the challenges before me and work to create the life that HE and I both know I am capable of with focus.
I pray for myself and for everyone today to be granted the strength to keep going when falling on our knee's seems so much easier...go ahead and drop down for a moment if you need to, then reach up and put it all in His hands, knowing and trusting that HE HAS GOT YOUR BACK. Stop for a moment and find at least one thing you can be grateful for today, right now. Embrace it- then get up and keep stepping forward into life, your life.
Amen.
I came across this today as I was reading her book about surviving sexual abuse. She has the link to this blog, I'm hoping that she will read this and know that her words, her suffering, and her healing have touched someone else, and healed something in me as well.
When I started writing this today, my eyes were filled with tears, my loyal friends, Fear and Distrust, were sitting close by, and then suddenly my phone rang and it was a friend that I have met through some of the same work that I do with the sexual assault center. He called to tell me about his latest case, a family with three children, all of them walking home from an after-school program and were hit by a city bus, one of them dead. The words hit me like I was standing in front of that bus, the impact those images had on my mind was overwhelming, and all I could do was surrender to the tears that now fell like a steady rain down my face. Somewhere a mother was mourning the loss of her child; a child that would never return home, a child that she had to say goodbye to. Then the realization hit me about the tears that were streaming down my face; I felt her pain in all the ways that I could, with not knowing her experience, but even more than that, I felt my own pain inside for moments before feeling sorry for myself, and being dominated by fear; when the reality is and was, that my life is peaceful, and that my children are safe and sound, and that even though in this moment it feels like things are out of place and unsecured in my life, I have to know and believe that GOD is working right now. He worked when that phone rang and made me realize the gratitude I felt, the blessings I have, and the love that fills my life. I don't have money the way I want it, and I won't be out filling shopping carts for Christmas, but at the end of the day, I have all of the important things in life, the things that really truly matter, and the rest can be achieved with a little more Faith and Perseverance. I know I'm on the road that He has been guiding me to; sometimes I just get tripped up on my own feet and I stumble.
As each new breath fills my lungs, I am gifted with another chance to do the work in my life; I pray I don't waste anymore time on self pity and loathing; but instead rise to the challenges before me and work to create the life that HE and I both know I am capable of with focus.
I pray for myself and for everyone today to be granted the strength to keep going when falling on our knee's seems so much easier...go ahead and drop down for a moment if you need to, then reach up and put it all in His hands, knowing and trusting that HE HAS GOT YOUR BACK. Stop for a moment and find at least one thing you can be grateful for today, right now. Embrace it- then get up and keep stepping forward into life, your life.
Amen.
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