Naked

I'm not sure where to start this; the beginning seems so far behind me and I'm not sure I can make my way back.  I feel as though I am about to undress in front of the world; but maybe that's what I'm supposed to feel, hell at least I'm "feeling" at all, right?
As I sit here in the silence, the deafening silence of my house, the lonliness overwhelms me. This is one of "those" moments, one of them where I know I have a million reasons to feel gratitude and blessing, and even though I am grateful, and I know that I have been blessed, something so deep inside of me hurts, longs, cries out, to no one, and nothing.

I'm afraid to expose this emptiness inside; because maybe then I have to acknowledge it and accept the realness of it.
I have come to know that the only truly unconditional love I will know in my life(aside from that of my Higher power) is the love that flows from my children , because it seems like no matter how much we might struggle, the look in their eyes when they look at me doesn't change. God makes the bond between a mother and child this strong because He knows that there will be times that we need something unmovable, something solid and steady; and there is just nothing more solid than the love of a child to their mother. In these moments of pain and emptiness I reflect on the little faces that were once part of my everyday, smiles that I woke up to every morning, and the breathing that I would fall asleep listening to as they drifted off into dreams in the next room at night.
I sat here looking at my son over the weekend and saw this amazingly handsome Man sitting there. It caused me to stare at him because it really wasn't supposed to happen so fast; this growing up thing. A wonderful thing happened, and it provoked tears of joy from me and my son came to my side and put his arms around me while I cried, he didn't speak, he just offered his Mom a safe place of comfort for a moment because he knew thats all I needed and then I would be just fine, and I was, and the love and pride that I feel for him filled my heart.
I watched my baby girl step into yet another rite of passage in her life today as she passed that drivers test; the smile on her face was enough to light up a room; and again my heart overflowed with love and pride.
As I sit here now typing these words, the tears won't stop running, and the ache that I feel in my chest won't let up;  I am so very proud of them, all that they have been, are and will be....but only God knows how much I miss them and how I embrace every second with them these days because Im never quite sure when they will be back.

The looming realization of an empty house is like a mirror reflecting how I feel inside......it wasn't supposed to be like this; it wasn't the picture I painted on my lifes canvas so long ago; I never saw myself sitting alone after they grew up and began lives of their own. I never saw lonely nights that I would crawl into an empty bed and cry myself to sleep; Nope, I just didn't see it. Were my eyes closed?  Was I sleeping at the wheel when I was meant to go right and went left instead?  I don't know. I just know that my heart aches and the lonliness that I feel is threatening to swallow me whole.
But,What I also know and what I believe, is that GOD is working right now; perhaps life has been too loud lately, too hurried and full of way too much worry....maybe, just maybe, I am standing on the edge and He is about to push me because I've stood there long enough without movement, and it just seems to be His way in my life to bring me to my knees, right before He lifts me up.
I have nothing without Hope..........

My cup of tea is empty and all I want to do is surrender to the warmth of my blankets and the security of my pillow wall and just let these tears pour out until the well is dry or until i drift off into slumber, exhausted from this emotional purging.
I feel naked knowing that I am about to hit the "publish post" button on this, but I just don't have the will in me right now to put a smile on my face and speak about positive things or hopeful tomorrows; right now I just hurt inside and I just want to be held tight, but that is not a luxury I am allowed.........

The Art of BEING....

A million thoughts are racing through my mind right now and I don't know if I will be able to type fast enough to get it all out and have it make sense...
I crawled into bed last night with this amazing feeling of contentment; my bed felt softer, my mind felt quiet, and my heart felt full. I live a life full of LOVE, and altho I forget that now and then and feel sorry for myself for all of the things I don't have yet; I have to remind myself that I am BLESSED. I AM.

Three years ago when I moved into the place I live now, I remember walking out on the deck the day I came to look at the house and as I stood there and took in the serenity of the trees and the small creek in the back yard, something in my soul told me this was the place I needed to be; this was the next stepping stone in my life and I had this inner voice whispering that great things would happen while I was here. That deck has provided a haven for me, a place to escape to when life just seemed too much; it has provided a place for friends to gather and share conversation and laughter; or a place to stand at night and just behold the beauty of the night sky with the stars twinkling above me or the moon glowing like a guiding light. Yes, this place has truly given me so many reasons to feel good and to be content. I stepped out this morning in silence with my coffee and my trusted companion, Fuzzy ( my feline pal) at my feet. I stood there taking in how green the grass is, & how the water in the creek sparkled in the morning sun, and I listened to the birds chirping their morning greetings to one another while Fuzz sat on the railing rubbing her head against me, letting me know that she loves me like only she, a cat, can. And I silently rejoiced inside as I said a thank you to the Universe and to GOD for all that I HAVE. 

Life is changing again, as is the way; the constant ebb and flow that this journey requires us to endure; and part of that change is going to bring about a move for me to a smaller place because the kids are going in their own directions more and more and I have to make the adjustments in my own life now also; but as I stood outside this morning on my peaceful deck, I realized how scared I truly am. I dont want to leave the security of this place, it nurtures that solitary country girl in me, while providing me with the ease of city living that feeds another part of my spirit; I have the best of both worlds here and I don't want to let it go, but I have to trust that my God and Goddess have something even better waiting for me around the bend when the times comes for me to step forward into something else.
I have a job interview today for a retail position, and as much as I detest the world of retail work, I have to be happy that I MAY have a job at the end of this, regardless of where it is. I just keep praying that all of this schooling, studying and money owed is going to pan out and take me to the job I want, a place where I feel like I am doing what I set out to do with all of this.

On top of all that, I am back on Weight Watchers Program, trying to get my outside to match the vitality that I feel inside. It's so important to me to be healthy and strong at this point, heaven knows I am not getting any younger!
At the end of December this year, I will have completed 3 years of college and will be a senior in college! Wow, funny how I have struggled to see this in my minds eye, and now its closer than close. God willing, I will be a UWGB graduate next year, the first since my dad to graduate college.
And very soon, I will exit the 30's and enter my 40's, and even though I am working hard to find gratitude in living this long and knowing the life experience that I have been given etc, there is that part of me that also understands that it means yet another transition in my life from one phase to another, and wondering what the coming year(s) will bring and what I will accomplish from here. I feel my spirit becoming restless because I can see the places I want to go explore, the life I want to grab onto, and I feel like there is a clock ticking somewhere, telling me to hurry.

If you would have told me 10 years ago that I would be the person I am right now, I would have doubted, but I have grown and changed, matured and become less combative and hell bent on proving myself to everyone around me; I worry so much less about petty things these days, and trust GOD more; I find joy in simplicity and am not ashamed of being a simple woman when it comes to the material things of this world I live in; I've become in tune enough with myself to know what I want, and what I won't have in my life, and I have sincerely learned to appreciate the love and friendship in my life that is real and true, and not be so concerned about the ones who have proven to be too caught up in themselves to be real friends to anyone else. I have hope that I have taught my children positive things, and that they will take the negative things and use them as learning tools to shape their own lives and behaviors. The bottom line is that I HAVE HOPE each and every day. I never just give up and give in.
Life is a school that teaches us a little bit of everything on any given day; my assignment these days is to master the Art of BEING; just simply Being.

The Big Push

Well, as my fall semester approaches, I'm realizing how nervous I feel. I'm not sure I have felt this way since I actually started college. It's time for me to really make the big push, to get in all the remaining credits that I need, to absorb as much as I can, and maintain that GPA.
Maybe I'm nervous because I am realizing more and more with the passing days that I am going to have to sacrifice more than I have up to this point, to make all this work and be successful. I feel like I am about to go into hibernation, because honestly, I know that to do what I need to do, and to do it well, Im going to have to give up alot.

I still have days when I wish...if only, I would have gone to college out of highschool, but then the reality sets in that I wasn't ready to be disciplined and focused then, and I'm not really sure I would have been the student that I am now. Life and time kind of teach us about how to learn and be good students of life, dont you think?  And I never regret the decision to have my children, because afterall, I'm still young enough and vibrant enough to get out and discover life after parenting, well, parenting is never over, but for anyone who has raised children and watched them blossom into their own and venture out into the world, you know what I mean.  I now have time to really sink my teeth into my own dreams and goals.

I'm starting to be able to "see" my future, I feel my heart guiding me down the roads I need to follow, and I know that all paths lead me to this career I am working so hard to build. Nothing about my journey has been easy or traditional, but as is the way in my life, I have overcome and persevered to get where I need to be,and with each goal I reach I can breathe a sigh of success because I know I earned it.
Maybe most importantly, I have learned that its never too late to go out and make your life, it's never too late to dream a dream and GO FOR IT.  I will keep reaching and climbing until the breath leaves my lungs and feel truly grateful for the opportunities that I have been given.

After the Toast!

I've been thinking alot about marriage these days, whether its because the hopeless romantic in me keeps trying to rear her annoying head, or because I am surrounded by married people, I don't know.

When I got married 800 years ago, I dont remember ever thinking that if I married that man, it would change him into someone better. On the contrary, I was actually happy with the person that he was and that is who I wanted to marry and spend my life with.  But I've watched something happen to people when they say "I Do", it's like a jekyl and hyde movie right in front of your eyes sometimes, other times, it's in slow motion, just happening over time until one day you wake up and look at the person and think to yourself, "when did this happen and can I get a refund?"

We go into marriage with some silly expectations, don't we? I mean, if you're dating someone who has issues with commitment and faithfulness right from the start, do you really think that will change with a wedding ring? Do you know how easily they come off and can be slipped into a pocket? I've watched men do it!
A long time boyfriend, and habitual liar and cheater, once told me that if I would marry him, all the nonsense would stop and he would be faithful because the sanctity of marriage meant something big to him. Excuse me? So, you mean to tell me that you will cheat on me now, because we are only verbally committed to one another, but if I legally join my life with yours, you will just change all of a sudden & respect me enough to be faithful? Wow, how thoughtful! And what a crock of BS! 
I don't believe that people change like that just because a piece of paper suddenly says your lives are tied together by a legal contract. If you can't honor someone's heart and feelings way before that, then you sure as hell are not marriage material in my book!
So, we get married hoping and praying that the person will change whatever behaviors annoy us, make us mistrust them, and just generally create doubts in our minds. Wrong answer.

Then you have the other group that dates, thinks they know one another, get married, and WHAM! Suddenly you're married to this person you have never met before! Is it in the champagne? Something in the catered food, perhaps? What makes a person think that its okay to be kind, compassionate lisa today and then say I DO and turn into evil, obnoxious Lisa tomorrow? I've been there, trust me, that is NO fun! 
Why do we do these things to each other?  Isn't it just more work to be someone fake, than to just be YOU?
In the years after my marriage went up in flames, as I was meeting people and dating a bit, I made up my mind that I wasn't going to be phony. I wasn't going to dress in clothes that I normally would not wear, or slop on make-up that I would generally not wear, or be anyone other than the woman I knew myself to be, and if he liked me and we hit it off, great! If not, well, hey nice to meet ya, don't let the door hit ya in the ass on the way out!  I just refuse to present myself in an untrue way because I don't want to be loved for who you want me to be, or think you can mold me into, I want to be loved for who I AM.

I guess the point of this rant of mine is that if you meet someone and the warning signs are all there, the red flags are slapping you in the face like your in the middle of a windstorm and the people who are closest to you and love you are telling you over and over what they clearly see happening right in front of you...you might wanna ask yourself a few things before you take that hike down the aisle. The only people we have any right to change is ourselves, the rest is out of your hands, wedding ring or not.
If he/ she doesnt love you faithfully and honestly now, a ring and a piece of paper isn't going to change that, and sometimes no matter how much fun we have with someone, no matter how mindblowing the sex might be, if the warning signs are there and the seeds of doubt have been imbedded in your mind about that person, perhaps it's time to step back and re-evaluate things. We all have this inner voice of intuition, we just choose not to pay attention to it all to often. Learn to listen to your voice, your intuition, and when it's all telling you to BEWARE, your best advised to do just that!

"Ill Text Ya Later!"

I was listening to an AT&T commercial today talking about how we are living in the "Age of Texting", and I thought, "Wow, that guy is right!" and then I got this sinking feeling inside because I realized just how right he is.
As much I depend on, enjoy and appreciate the World Wide Web, I can't help but be a little sad about it too.  I realize that this probably sounds bizarre; because it's so convienent and fast, right? You can find ANYTHING on the internet; (& lots of stuff you never ever wanted to find in your whole life too) but it began this slippery slope in our culture, I think. It was like a drug, the net, because you could meet people from all over the world without ever leaving your living room! It made solitude popular. Why leave the house when you have a computer, right? Your friends can be right at your fingertips and you can still clean your house and paint your toenails while you talk; Isn't it sad though that we have become a culture of being too busy to really be with people and communicate? Am I just behind the times in my thinking?  I just think there is value to being face to face with people, and being completely present when you spend time talking to them. We're losing the art of companionship, if you ask me.

I cannot stand trying to have an intelligent conversation through text messages on my phone! And my other giant pet peeve about texting?  Those people that you NEVER hear from, they never just call to see how you are, they've not returned phone calls so many times that you've just quit calling them too, but you'll get a random text from them now and then? What the hell is that all about?!  I look at it like this, if you can't call me, stop by my house once in awhile and at least act like you actually give a damn about me, take my number out of your phone because you don't need to text me either! It's just like one more place for someone to SPAM you!

Is it really any wonder that we don't know how to get along and how to treat each other well, most of the time? Our social etiquette is being abandoned for abbreviated versions of what we're trying to tell each other in the fastest possible way so we can either answer the next text, or finish that TV show; and we're forgetting how powerful it is to be able to reach out and shake a hand or hug someone your happy to see. Our culture of text messaging communicators is becoming more and more robotic, we are becoming more robotic and impersonal, and I think that sometimes we should feel a little sad about that.
I am guilty, like millions of others, of using text messages or emails to keep in touch because its just easier; but in doing so, I have also realized how solitary I have gotten and how comfortable that is to me most days. In some respects I embrace that aspect of my life, but in other ways, I wonder how much is too much?

I'm not advocating a text free zone, or anything like that, because I think that cell phones and computers have made life better in many valuable ways, I just think that we need to remain balanced.